The struggle #NAAM

My Life 13/05/16

Truth

Friday 13th May 2016
2:43pm

The three most common words said by me: I don't know.

I am so unsure about myself. For many reasons. I feel I also lack an understanding of myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I do know, I don't like her, but she's still trying.

The five most common words people have said to me: don't be so hard on yourself.

A lot of people don't understand why we're living/what our purpose is. Guru ji has given me this knowledge. I am not acting upon it in a worthy way. This is a struggle only people who seek the path or those who are on it know. Am I too hard on myself? Oh I don't think so. I have agreed in the past but, really, I'm trying to discipline myself. I'm not really trying, but I am at the same time. Imagine someone walking slowly up an escalator that is going down. You don't get anywhere, maybe a change in a step down or up by one, but not really. That's me right now. I've fallen so have a few scars but, I haven't changed. I try, but I'm not consistent, I give up, I'm lazy, I lose hope, I let maya entice me. I let my ego be fed.

Three words I don't want to have people recite when I die: She had potential.

So many teachers have said this to me. Will I always only just have potential? As long as I keep holding myself back then yh, I will.

Over the years, I've been stumbling over my feet, crawling at times. I'm moving though. Only Guru Ji has kept me moving all this time even if I felt I was moving backwards, Guru Ji showed me more.

I'm no longer as happy with myself as I used to be. I'm at war with myself more. The war wont end until I change for good. I no longer have as much ambition. I no longer believe in myself as much as I did. I lack faith in myself. I don't trust myself anymore. I've begun to pity myself and give myself less and less worth. This is not who I am. I should not be feeling sorry for myself and hiding from the world. But I am. And I don't want to stay this way.

From the beginning Guru Ji has been teaching me the virtues and I have taught myself to block them out. It's not easy. But I make it harder. I'm a bad student. This has begun to show in my studies over the years. Doing my homework less and less, handing in my coursework late every time. To now...not even bothering to turn up to college. I cannot do this at Uni. I will not be able to take it. I will not be able to handle it at all. I just about cope now. It's not good enough.

My mum is affected by it. She is disappointed in me. She doesn't understand why I am like this and she hates who I have become. She wants me to get on with things. I want to get on with things too. I'm letting her down. My sister wants me to do so well because she has so much faith in me and knows how much I can achieve. How much potential I have.

Maharaj. I can't let you down anymore than I am right now. I have pushed you so far and then asked you to keep me close. I don't want to do this to you anymore My Lord, I don't want to betray you like I have been my Lord. Not anymore. I am nothing without you. My mind still thinks it has it all. But I know, you are my everything. I wouldn't be around if it wasn't for you. And my mum doesn't deserve this from me. You let her bring me into this world and this is what I do for her. She deserves nothing but love from me and I give her everything but. Maharaj, chop my feet if I refuse to bring them to you. Make me blind if it will being me close to you. I don't need hands if it means I can love you like I'm supposed to. All these silly sayings when you have given me the one thing I need. The only thing I need is You, and Your Name is inside me. I don't have to travel anywhere to experience you. You are closer than I could ever ask You to be. Mind...I control you, and you will sit and do Simran. Vaheguru forgive me, make me worthy, my life is wasted without Your Name 🙏🏽