Initial Impact

part one

i watched him giggle over a stupid joke he told. i smiled silently as his laugh fell silent as the joke lived out its luster. "babe, go to sleep" he whispered into my ears. "i cant" i replied, the image of him laughing repeated over and over again, forever to be burned into my mind. "why's that?" he said leaning up to kiss me on the cheek. "im not tired" he snuggled up against my body and hugged my abdomen. "you said you were tired not that long ago" he said closing his eyes. "i know" i said. i wrapped my arm around him and stared at the ceiling. this wasn't the first time he slept next to me. but it surely felt like the first time all over again. maybe it was because i was sad, but i was trying to stay content, for him of course.

he kept fidgeting around getting comfortable. it was only a few minutes after he fell asleep. i grew restless after the ceiling didn't put me to sleep but i didn't want to wake him up. i sighed and began to move his arm from around me and placing it on the bed. i walked to the bathroom and shut the door before turning on the light. i glanced in the mirror and i looked awful. my eyes were bloodshot with dark circles accompanying them. my hair was also a mess and my shirt was off. i was mess. a complete wreck of a human being. i wanted to go home after i stared at myself for a few minutes. i didn't want to leave him heart broken if he awoke without me by his side. i glanced at my watch, it was 3:40 am. i sighed and walked out of the bathroom. i walked into the kitchen and searched for a pen and some paper. a note would surely put him at ease.

'i went home, i wasn't feeling to well, i'll see you later today xo nick'

that was good enough for now. i'd figure out the rest later. i grabbed the sneakers near the door i had taken off after we came in a few hours before. i quickly put them on, exiting his house without my shirt since it was on the floor in his room. i got into my car, and started it. i drove off but i kept driving. i couldn't think of anywhere to go because i didn't even want to be home anymore. his face kept appearing in my head. almost as if he were actually there. i was only driving for 15 minutes when my phone rang. it was him. "h-hey babe" i answered shakily. "nick? are you okay" he sounded nervous, his voice on edge. "yeah, im fine." i put him on speaker so i wouldn't need to hold my phone. "nick come back, please" "why? im fine baby" i felt so bad for lying. "you didn't even take your shirt, i know somethings wrong, please just come back." i sighed and ended the call. i quickly regretted that decision because the calls and texts from him began to flood in.

voicemail after voicemail, text after text, call after call. i eventually turned off my phone. i was currently on a highway that i didn't know the name of, i was just turning off at every exit that i saw waiting to see where i would end up at. i felt bad after not talking to him. but i didn't want to hurt him. i knew i was going to hurt him either way. i finally pulled off at a gas station. i turned on my phone and waited for it to start buzzing due to all the calls. the texts got more urgent as i read through them.

'nick please just come back'

'where are you at?'

'im going to your house'

'nicky please, where are you?'

'im calling the police'

i decided to give him one last call. it was the least i could do.

"hey baby." i spoke into the phone. "nick, where are you? just tell me where you are." i sighed. "i just wanted to say goodbye. thank you for everything. i'll miss your laugh and your smile and your everything." i began to cry. it had been so long since i've cried. "nick, what are you talking about? are you breaking up with me?" he said. i laughed. not at him, but at myself. "no baby, i could never do that." i said wiping the tears off my now stained face. "then... oh my god, nick don't. where are you? i'm coming to get you. please don't do anything rash" "i don't know where i am" "nick please. i love you" he said. "i love you too baby. i love you so much. im going to miss you so much. god im going to miss you. im going to miss your voice and your smell and your bed and your clothes and your bathroom and your kitchen and your eyes and your everything" i smiled to myself and hung up the phone, turning it off for good.

oh god, i couldn't shake the thought of him running his fingers through my hair and his smell that still lingered on my bare chest after holding him in his bed. it was freezing out but the thought of him was enough to keep me warm. but it wasn't enough to stop me from going through with this. i was miserable but i wanted to be next to him, i wanted to hold him so bad and i wanted to stare at him. just to let my eyes wander his body.

i know that i could go back, and make things okay with him, to tell him not to worry, to tell him i love him. but it was time, and time doesn't wait. i was over all of this and everything. i stepped out of my car and breathed in the cold air. i wrapped my arms over my body and walked. my legs were shaky and i was scared. but i had to do this. i was crying again. i wished i would stop crying.

i stepped onto the tracks and sat down. i looked at my watch. 5:20 am. the sun was bound to come out soon and i could feel the morning dew. 5:30 am was the time that the train would come. i was prepared. but i wasn't ready. i kept thinking of him. i had made love with him for the first time only a few hours ago. i wanted to do it before i did this. i needed to do it at least once with him. it was beautiful. but it was full of lust on my part. there was no love when i shoved him against the wall and kissed him hard and long. there was no love when i stripped him of his clothing and left him naked. there was no love when i came inside of him. it was only lust. why did i do this? i regret it. i wanted it to be full of love but there was no love. but i noticed his beauty in the moment. his sweaty forehead, his flushed face, his neck that was covered in love bites, courtesy of me. it was now 5:22 am. i laid flat on the tracks. my back being poked by rocks and wood and metal and what not. it didn't even bother me because i knew eventually it wouldn't hurt anymore. nothing would. i stared up at the sky and looked at the stars. it was so amazing. my breathing became unsteady because of the cold air. everything was so cold. everything.

minutes passed, it was finally 5:28 am. that was the moment i heard a car pull up. it was him.

"nick get in the car now" he shouted at me.

i said nothing in return.

"nick please!"

silence.

"the police are coming so please just get up!"

silence.

he sighed and walked onto the tracks. he laid down next to me. i looked at him. "babe go away" i said. "then you go away too" i shook my head and sat up. "i need to do this" i told him. i grabbed his arm and pulled him up and pushed him back to the ground and went back to the tracks. i kicked him in the ribs to keep him from getting up, i didnt want to cause him pain, but i had to do it.

it was 5:30 am. he was still on the ground screaming at me, himself and his broken ribs. i closed my eyes and laid down and shut out everything around me. it was peaceful, just like i had imagined it. i heard the train draw closer. his voice got louder too but he could barely get up, i was unstoppable.

i was unstoppable.

"nick!"

all of a sudden i felt a jerk, it was him, he pushed me off the tracks, but as soon as it registered, he wasn't there with me. i began to panic and curse at the goddamn train for not going faster so i can see the other side and see my boyfriend standing there waiting for me. the train finally passed but there was no sign of him. "babe?" i said.

i looked down and noticed blood. there was blood everywhere.

"oh god, oh god, no, no, no" i screamed. this didn't turn out the way i planned. this killed him. i killed him.

i fell to my knees and cried, my entire body shook. he was gone, forever.

i heard sirens appear and lights flashing but i was still cradled in a fetal position waiting for him to come out and tell me its a joke, i wanted to hear his laugh so bad.

the police officer walked up to me, he asked me "son, what happened?" how could i tell him that i had just killed my boyfriend? i only cried harder, my chest hurting because of this. i couldn't give him an answer because i couldn't talk. i couldn't breathe and i couldn't do anything.

my boyfriend was dead, because of me. because of my stupidity. it should have been me. it should be me scattered all over.

it should be me