We were young. Nobody could bring us down. We had nothing to lose but the world showed us everything. What we wanted was right in front of us. So we never searched for the sense. Never asked for any reasons. We just lived. Enjoyed our lives. 'Never looking back' seemed like a good motto to us. And so we didn't. But if we had looked back we would have seen what we've done. We would have seen all the broken hearts, the dead souls and the empty thoughts. But we were young. And we didn't know that to somebody we were everything. Because we thought we had nothing. We didn't know that when something is there at any time you want to have it and when you take it and just run fast enough so noone can catch you and you don't have to pay for it that it's like you have everything. The people who were with us.. some of them loved some of us. And we left them. Never looking back means that you have to run and no matter if someone isn't fast enough, your admission is to run for your life. And who can run as fast as you is your buddy. But some people couldn't run as fast as we could. They thought they were important. And that we watched out for them so they couldn't get lost. Because they thought we loved them like they loved us. But the only reason they were with us for so long was that they could run with us. And when someone lost his breath or his faith and fell back than he fell back. But anyway we run. We couldn't do more. So how should we have known that your life can be good if you just have this one crazy and irresponsible thought of staying. Of beeing loved and loving back. Of having feelings and not just having buddies who are as fast as you. But having friends who are maybe even faster than you. Who will ever look after you even if you're breathless. Even if you get lost. Who will look after you and who will stay there with you and fight for you until the bloody end. No matter if they could have run away. They would stay anyway and they would have feelings for you. Real feelings. And they couldn't have lived knowing they have left you behind. And so they would stay with you. And get trough it with you. And do everything for you . But we were young. And we couldn't have known that there could be someone who is like that. And so there came a point and some of us were faster than the rest. And they kept running. And like we used to do all the time they didn't look back. So they couldn't see the rest loosing the strength to keep going. Loosing the breath and the power and the faith for going on. I used to be like that, too. And now I'm running alone. Because after endless years of running there was nobody left who was as fast as me. And I start feeling a bit strange now. There grows a feeling in my heart which I cant describe. But it feels lonely and sad. Even more sad than the short thoughts of loss after keeping running and loosing your buddy. It's the feeling after you have lost all of them. Because you didn't look back. And you couldn't see that maybe they could have kept running with you. And the only thing which could have helped them was a feeling. Which could have come with a simple sentence. Like: 'keep moving forward' or ‚Im with you'. But there wasn't a sentence like this. And so they didn't have the faith left to run again. So they stopped and then the same feelings came through them like I'm feeling right now. And if I had looked back just one short time I would have seen what happens if you're in a group but anyway running alone. Even if you think you have nothing it's important to have someone. But we were young and we didn't have someone who could have told us those simple words of keeping running. So most of us lost their faith and stopped.
I'm still running. And there will be a time when I can't run anymore, too. And I will look back so I can see all the dreams and wishes we left behind us during the race - it was nothing but a race. Now I'm the only one left and the time when I get breathless will come soon. I will look back for the first time because there won't be another option. I will see all the pain and the unspoken words. And I will understand everything. But it'll be too late.
Living with this numbness will be the end of me, eventually. Nobody wants to really be alone. We want success, and we are willing to pay the price. But that's different from actually paying it. I am young. I made myself the only priority. I gave in to selfishness, to closed-mindedness. Looking straight, but not really seeing anything. Or anyone, for that matter. Now I'm starting to feel it. There's a whisper behind my thoughts. It's telling me, that it doesn't want to keep going, that it's exhausted. I'm exhausted. But there's noone running in front of me. No hope to run after, no train of friends to catch. The station is empty and so am I. Slowly burning out. Finding my energy fading away into the nothingness surrounding me. I am young. Yet I feel so old. And I think about stopping. About pausing for a moment. Maybe my path will come to a halt, not to an end. Maybe I can wait for someone. But as I slow down, I can feel them getting closer. And as they run beside me, finally, they don't stop. They pass.
