"I don't believe in God.
I don't believe in anything. At all. No higher power, no messiah, no God.
I think it's shit.
But honestly, somebody- some people, actually- they told me that didn't matter. And... I think, I think I may need a God, because I really fucked things up this time.
I don't know a lot about religion, or anything, really. But I've read some mythology, and in Ancient Greece they had a god for everything: wine, doors, messages. But I'm not that particular. This isn't a crisis hotline, where the last four digits specify my needs. I don't need a god tailored to my calamity. I just, I need something. A god of anything.
I have no concept of how prayer works. Do I tell you - if there is a you - my thoughts? My problems, my feelings?
Are you a therapist or a genie? Talk it out or grant me three wishes?
I think this is like ethos. Because ethos, by denotation, is the distinguishing moral nature of a personage or group. Which, kind of - not really- this is. But there's more to it, in a literary sense ethos is an appeal to credibility or authority. And that's where it really makes sense to me. This is my Hail Mary; this is me, appealing to you. I'm throwing myself into the universe, shouting my faults. Because at this point whether or not I believe it or find it logical, I need there to be something.
I just, I am so confused. About this, about myself... and all I know is I cry a lot now and recommended breathing exercises are bullshit.
I guess what I'm really trying to say, to articulate, is that for the first time in twelve years I am unsure of myself and my decisions, and I have no one else to fall back on. I'm here because I'm desperate, and I'm running out of alternatives. So as much as I want someone to hold my hand and tell me everything's okay, I've come to terms with that fact that that may not be the case.
I'm exhausted with trying to fight through this on my own, and feeling like I'm being swallowed whole by the world around me. So tell me what to do.
Tell me- tell me how to fix this. I don't want to feel this way anymore, I'd do anything not to feel this way. And for all these years I've sworn against a god, scoffed at your existence and damned your name, and I still don't get it, but I'm trying. And this is my ode to you, to any god, who's willing to hear me out, and accept that I'm skeptical and I'm a wrongdoer and a mistake maker, and-and-and help me, for fucks sake.
I'm just so sad, now. And everything feels like it's weighing on me... I know I'm not exactly righteous, but isn't religion about accepting sinners and making them whole? Or something subliminal like that?
You know what?
Nevermind."
