Absolutely insane, that's what I call myself when I realize I'm choosing to think of you over sleeping. Two minutes more. I still want to stare at the ceiling. No! Definitely I'm not. The truth is that I think of the times you pass by in front of me. Yes, you just pass by. Two,three, or I think twenty more decades this will be the set-up. How foolish this heart of mine can be! Until I listen to slow music and thank God, I feel sleepy.
Thinking that if I sleep, I'd be free from those miseries. But no, you still appear in my silly dream. Worst is that in reality you are my unreachable dream. Never to be reach or even with a single gentle touch. How this happening kills me. Yes, I am still alive but dead inside. I feel so fragile. Just when I realize you're my biggest nightmare.
Then the sun rises. Still I can't rise from bed. Earningcoins from heaven just to buy a thicker mask that I can wear for today. I took a bath, you were there. I ironed my uniform, you were there. I ate, you were the reason why I can't open my mouth. Finally,staring and walking along the road, I saw you looking at me with a poker face. As in with no reaction or even emotion. This is not new anymore. That's what I call "MORNING POISON".
In front of the classroom I still need to wear the mask. Everybody even enemies will surely greet me and I have to do so. Flag ceremony, you stand beside me. Talk to me and so with others. From the first subject until the last I do not claim all those achievements alone. You had the biggest contribution. I can't help it but just stare at you. Those eyes, really brown. Those eyes which I always wait to fall. I can't really help it. You still make me smile.
Walking home with my friends, I still think of you. I may be relating experiences with others but with my first step in the front door of our house you already own my world. My heart and mind start rumbling. Mom can hear me talking in a cheerful manner but honestly I bleed.
Finally, I sit in front of the television. My eyes see everything that flashes on the screen but my mind again has its instant replay. I caught you looking at me, listening to what I say, encouraging me to make some piece and I freeze. I just wonder if that moment I caught you, are you thinking I've changed for the better like what you wanted or still thinking I'm a great pretender?
Then there was a time when we were dancing, your hands on my waist and mine on your shoulders. We both are mute and all that I can hear is the music and my heartbeat. I can feel your warm breath pass through my nose and looked at you. You smiled and when I was about to smile back, you suddenly looked down and moved away. Can we give it another try? I promise to immediately throw a smile back. I can't figure it out if you were disappointed or you were just being nice?
Here I lay on my bed, you just don't know how I feel the hurt. I am absolutely changing for the better. I hope you'll soon notice. Or no, you'll never. You always find me annoying. How many more seconds will I spend and eventually waste? How will I tell? How will I show? And when will you stop doing these to me?
And now I again realize I'm taking two, three and more minutes of my sleep just to tastes the bitterness. I find myself staring blankly at the ceiling. How poor I see myself. Yes, this became my normal routine and I hate myself for blaming you all these. I'm sorry.
