Stories About A Love So True pt.2

Stories About a Love So True: Questioning

M and I had been bestfriends for a little over 9 months now. We met in December of 2014 and when school started back up in August of 2015, we were still as close as can be. Sophomore year was starting and I remember her and I being so excited and nervous to start our second year of highschool. We weren't "fishies" anymore (which is what the upperclassmen called the Freshmen), we were in that weird category of being upper and underclassmen. We weren't quite new, but we still felt uncertain about highschool. M and I's friendship had only become stronger and so had my feelings of affection for her. Flash forward to the middle of Sophomore year, M and I were talking at a table in the school library before first period started. I do not recall what exactly we were talking about or how we got onto this subject, but M ended up talking about how she didn't see the good qualities about her. She just couldn't see what was so special about her. Because I always remind her how much she means to me and I guess she didn't really see what was so important or special about her.
As a joke, I told her I would write her a two page essay on how special and important she is and she just laughs and is like, "You better not." And shaking her head at me. And I'm like, "I'm gonna do it!" And she's saying things like, "Oh you don't have to! Really, you don't!" But of course her saying that just makes me want to do it anyway. This wasn't a joke anymore. I was going to make this happen for her. I wanted to make her to understand that she is special and that she is loved. So in between classes and during my free time, I start planning for this essay. During my study hall period, I type it all up on the library's computer and print it out. All two full pages filled with good qualities about M and how much she means to me. (I didn't admit my feelings for her at this point, but I got as in depth with my feelings as I could without giving anything away.) I even made a cover page for it titled, "Reasons Why M Is Important" or something along those lines.
I handed it to her the next morning, feeling pretty proud of myself to be completely honest. Of course she was thoroughly surprised because she didn't think I'd actually do it. She smiles, thanks me and tells me she will read it later. At around second period, she texts me during class saying how much she loved it and how much she appreciated what I wrote about her. Looking back on the moment, I still don't think I would ever do that exact thing for anyone else but her. And that was probably one of the best ways I've ever showed my affection for her without directly showing affection if you know what I mean.
Now for the "questioning" part of the story. I chose to title this story with "Questioning" because that was exactly what M was doing throughout sophomore year and I didn't even know it. M told me in December of 2015 that during sophomore year, she was trying to figure out her feelings for me. She was constantly questioning if she had a crush on me and if that made her a lesbian. Now, at this time I had a serious girlfriend. We'll call my girlfriend at the time "S". S and I had gotten together in the spring of Freshman year and we had stayed together over the summer and into school. We had gone through A LOT together and at the time, we were totally in love. So I had to push my feelings for M in the back of my mind because S was someone I could actually have. A real, tangible person to love, to hold, and to be "out" with. When I started dating S, I labeled myself as lesbian instead of bisexual because that's what I felt I was at the time.
I told M quite a bit about my relationship with S and she seemed like she was always completely supportive of it. I could always talk to M about the relationship and she would listen and give me advice if I needed it. This time of feeling in love for me was the time M was feeling confused about who she was and trying to sort out her feelings for me. She told me in December that she forced herself to push her feelings to the back of her mind because I had a girlfriend and she knew she could not have me. M constantly felt tinges of jealousy and sadness during this time and I never knew it. She was so skilled at putting on a happy face for me and I fell for it. I was blinded by my relationship so I didn't see the mask M constantly put up or the truth behind it.
A part of me wishes that I knew how she was feeling back then. But I also think that it would have made things weird and confusing between us because I had a girlfriend and she still didn't know what she identified as. Was she straight? Was she a lesbian? Was she bisexual? Was she gay just for me because we're bestfriends and because we're so close? Those thoughts most likely filled M's mind each day as she contemplated what it could all mean.
So Sophomore year ended and I still had no clue that my bestfriend was having this inner battle with herself. A battle that she wasn't sure she could win.

Stay tuned for part three as I write about questioning my relationship with S and realizing that I'm in love with M again.