I live under this mask as a title of hope,
Yet sometimes I wish there was still hope,
Even if it's a sign, I won't reach out.
The things in life are small,
But the meaning of life is large.
So what then?
What if you have no meaning?
Do you just fade away?
Do you wait for an opening?
No, but for me I complicate things,
That's how I know I'm still thinking,
That's how I know I still hold a brain.
Whether I'm right, or just completely insane,
That's up to me.
Pity doesn't help,
In fact it makes it worse,
It makes it harder to breathe.
Am I suicidal?
No.
In fact, I'm the exact opposite.
Just because I hate myself,
Doesn't mean I'd like to die.
It makes me want to live longer.
Because if I'm so useless,
Meaningless,
Worthless,
And absolutely hopeless,
Why would I kill myself?
That would only bring me pleasure.
And what would I say to God?
"I didn't want to live?"
"I couldn't take it?"
That's not what I was put on earth for,
To just give me a few years and end it all so quickly.
To be exact,
The pain I live with is just my life.
And the despair I've created will always be the same.
I wouldn't kill myself Doc,
Because my life isn't as shitty in comparison of others.
Again,
In fact,
if I gave my life up,
I'd look like a pathetic excuse for a human being.
I feel,
The longer I stay here,
The longer I suffer.
Maybe I'm dramatic,
Or maybe I'm just nuts.
But I will always dodge that bullet,
And if I can I will escape death.
So this mask will stay on till it no longer holds me meaning.
If I can find I life I'm comfortable with in the future,
I will take it.
Then I can take off this mask,
Take off my gloves,
And drop my knife.
Because then,
My pain has faded.
And don't worry,
I won't go back if that happens.
Because why would I,
Reopen the same wound that almost crippled me?
Why would I ask for the life I've fell ill to,
Why would I,
Wait to be hurt again?
Or worse,
Wait to hurt someone.
Well... I won't be taking any more sessions with you,
It's my turn.
~Samantha Cage,
Aka Semitron Rage.
