To the Best Friend I Should've Stopped Loving a Long Time Ago

To the Best Friend I Should Have Stopped Loving a Long Time Ago

This is what I can't say. 

Dear Best Friend, 

It's me. I miss you so much. I don't hate you. I know I have said otherwise but that was the hurt and anger and pain talking. You have overcome so many obstacles and I have never been prouder of you. You have an amazing head on your shoulders. You know what you're going to be doing with your life. You have overcome your depression, your suicidal tendencies... I am so so so extremely proud of you for that.  You have become an outstanding young woman and I am so proud of you. You have done things with your life that you never thought you could've. You're fixing the mistakes you made in the past and you are taking every precaution to make sure you don't make those same mistakes. You are working on your future and so far you are doing an amazing job and once again, I couldn't be prouder of you. 

I am so incredibly proud of who you've become. 

But I will never allow you to have the control over me you once had. 

I will never allow myself to trust you as I once did. 

I will never allow you behind my walls and into my heart as I once did. 

You controlled my life: 

I did everything you said, I agreed with everything you were doing, even if I secretly disagreed. I never wanted to fight with you. I always bit my tongue when I thought you were doing something wrong. I let you do what you wanted, and I let you make mistakes so you could learn from them and grow. 

I guess that made me a bad best friend. 

I let you tell me what to do. I let you belittle me. I let you boss me around. I let you dictate my life. For unknown reasons, I do not regret any of it. 

You taught me what not to look for in a friendship. I've learned if people have anything in common with you, anything at all, that they are toxic. 

I have learned to respect and love myself for me, and not take no for an answer. I have learned that I am good enough. For anything and everything I want. I have learned that you are not always right. I have learned you are not the one I should always look for acceptance from. If you had loved me and cared for me like you said you did, you wouldn't have always asked me to change. You would have always told me I was doing things great, not always gave "constructive criticism". Your definition of constructive criticism and mine are two totally different things... 

You think it means telling someone they are wrong, and they are dumb for it. You think it means telling them they need to smarten up. You think it is belittling them. 

That is far from the truth. 

You always tore me down. Any chance you got, you took it. 

But once again, for unknown reasons, I do not regret any of it. 

Your "friendship" taught me to love myself. You taught me to put myself first and not care what other people thought of me because in the end, I'm the only one who's got me. 

You were never my friend. Just a damn good actress. I don't regret a single moment of our "friendship" because you have taught me to be strong. I will never allow you or anyone else to have that kind of control over me again. 

I hope you are doing well. 

Love, 

Me