The Voices

MY POV

I looked in the mirror. I couldn't help but see every single flaw. You're ugly. You're fat. You're stupid.You don't deserve hm. You don't deserve anything but pain. Those being the only thoughts in my mind as i looked at the needle in my hand. A needle, not enough to draw blood (noe easily anyway) but enough to give the pain i deserve. A tear trickled down my cheek as the voices in my mind grew louder. I didn't know it was possible, but you look even uglier when you cry.

I had been so happy. I had been a year clean. I had an amazing boyfriend who I lived with. Everything had been okay.

"SHUT UP!" I screamed. The voices only got louder. My once silent tears became screams and sobs. I felt a familiar sting on my thighs. You deserve that. One for being a burden. I made another scratch. Another for being too loud. Another for not being good enough. It went on like that, my thighs littered in scratches, my cheeks stained with tears, my throat sore from screaming. The realization of what had just happened finally sinking in, leaving me in tears once again. You're so weak. I looked down, noticing blood was oozing out of several scratches. "Shit" I mumbled, quickly coming up with an excuse. He didn't need to know. It would only make his life more difficult.

I couldn't tell if that thought was me or the voices.

That was the thing. Eventually you can't tell the difference.

I cleaned myself up, wincing as the fabric of my jeans brushed against the new scratches. You deserve that. The voices commented before quieting.

After leaving the room, I sat in the living room. I decided to watch a movie, anything to take my mind off of what just happened. I turned on the TV and began watching The Matrix. I shifted in my seat, wincing at the pain that, the voices reminded me, I deserved.

About an hour into the movie I heard the front door open and the soothing voice of my boyfriend echo through the house. "Baby? You here?"

I silently prayed that my face and eyes had returned to their normal color. "In here!" I said, my voice cracking a bit.

He walked into the living room sitting next to me.

"Watching The Matrix again?" he asked

"Of course!" I put on a fake smile and made my voice sound happier.

"How about a Matrix Movie Marathon?" He shifted, using my leg for support. I turned my face up in pain out of reflex. Shit, i thought to myself.

"Are you okay, Babe?" he asked, clearly concerned.

I nodded. He still seemed concerned. I tried desperately to perk up. "Let's Matrix Movie Marathon this bitch!" i said. He laughed, seeming to believe i was okay.

After finishing the movies, we went to our bedroom. Mark had left the room. I proceeded to put on my pajamas. I saw my thighs in the mirror noticing they were littered in scabs. My eyes scanned my body. How could he ever love you? The voices asked the question i had begun asking myself. How could someone as perfect as him ever love someone as fucked up as me? In the midst of my thoughts i didn't hear him walk in. He called my name. I turned, only now noticing the tears falling down my face. His arms wrapped around my waist.

"Why was there blood on th-" he looked at my thighs.

"Wh-Why?" his voice cracked as he stuttered. "Why did-didn't you te-tell me? Why didn't you c-call?" he held me tighter. I couldn't look at him. Do you see what you do? You only ever cause pain. You can't do anything right. You don't deserve anyone who cares. I began to cry harder, shaking with every intrusive thought.

"Look at me baby. Please?" I couldn't. I turned so I no longer had to look at the abomination in the mirror and cried into his shoulder. He called my name. I still couldn't look at him. He continued to hold me and called my name again.

"I'm sorry" I mumbled. The tears that had once been streaming down my face slowing down a bit.

"Don't apologize to me baby. Just please tell me what happened."

I tried to match his breathing. "Th-the Voices. Th-they c-came back and t-told me i des-deserv-deserved it."

He tilted my head up, forcing me to look at him. "Why would you deserve that?" he asked.

Because you're fat.

Because you're ugly.

Because you're stupid.

Because you're worthless.

"Because all I ever d-do is h-hurt people"

HIS POV

I couldn't stand to see her like this. I couldn't stand to see her in this much pain. She pulled out of my grasp and looked at the wall.

"I-I'm s-sorry that i h-hurt y-you and th-that i can't j-just b-be the per-perfect gi-" I cut her off.

"You're more than perfect." I told her "You don't deserve this pain."

"But i do. I do deserve pain. I don't deserve happiness and that means that i don't deserve you" she whispered.

"You deserve to be happy." I paused "We're going to work on this." She seemed genuinely surprised.

"What?" she asked. "What do you mean."

I won't let her feel like this anymore.

"I'm going to help you. We're going to get through this together." She began to hold me tighter. I returned the favor. "I need you to talk to me though. If you ever feel like that i need you to tell me or call me."

She nodded. I turned her around so she had to look in the mirror. "Do you see her? I'm pretty sure that she is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. I need her in my life. I need her here with me. She makes me happy every day and all i want is for her to be happy too. I'd do anything to make her happy because I love her." She looked at me in the mirror. "I love you so much" I told her.

"I love you too." she said

THREE YEARS LATER

MY POV

It's been three years. Three years happy, three years clean, and three more amazing years with him. Don't get me wrong, it's still hard. Somedays, I still hear the voices. But whenever i hear them, he's there. Whenever i call he answers and whenever i'm in pain he holds me. He tells me he loves me and i believe him,

and then...

The Voices stop.