Rust And Stardust

"Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried, than before--more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle."
Charles Dickens, Great Expectations
          "We were, the two of us, still fragmentary beings, just beginning to sense the presence of an  unexpected, to be-acquired reality that would fill us and make us whole."
                  Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun

Consciousness seeping in stirs her; she feels warmth at her back. Someone is breathing down her neck, literally.  She finds herself held captive by the weight of an arm flung across her stomach over her waist and a leg hitched over her hip.
For a moment, there is a smile across her face. She is used to Ruhi holding her in her sleep now. Waking up to her daughter' sight is the best start of the day for her. Only when she is a little more awake, her brain a little less sleep addled does she realize something is off. It does not feel like its Ruhi whose holding her in her sleep... the arm across her is longer and heavier as is the leg, startled awake at the dawning of whom it is she is unable to hold back the spontaneous jerking of her body.
The sudden jolt that he receives, particularly an elbow in the gut shocks her husband awake too.
She can feel it; he is awake by the change in his breathing, by the sudden gasping as realization dawns on him too.
They are sleeping in each other' arms as he spoons her from behind.
In the seven months since their marriage, they have shared this bed many a times but only when their daughter has been present among them, in between them and hence this has never happened before.  They have not ever woken up before in this situation, in the position they are in.
Neither of them speaks for a while still processing the shock of the moment. Last night Ruhi had insisted they sleep together and she had slept as usual between them. Despite the tension rampant in their life at the moment they had given in to their daughter' demand and shared the bed when even sharing the room has become a task for them since chaos hit their lives.
Now in Ruhi' absence not only is it awkward with each other, but they way they find themselves in too.
Gathering her wits first Ishita removes her husband' arm from around her waist as he simultaneously moves his leg too. She turns around and without meaning too their eyes meet for an instant and she finds her husband gazing at her intently and quickly looks away.  With the awkwardness of the moment, she finds it weird to look at him and makes a move to get up from the bed. Once, she composes herself she tries to get up as she lifts her torso and is about to move from the bed does she feel her arm jerked back by her husband as he pulls her in forcefully.
With a start, she drops on her back on the bed with her head landing on his arm. It would be an understatement to say she did not anticipate the move and was hence completely unprepared to face the situation.
With wide baffled eyes she looks at him and before she can say a word he flings a leg across her thighs and throws his free arm around her waist as he balances his weight on the elbow of the arm currently under her head and positions himself in a half lying position.
"What is the meaning of this?" she asks with fire in her eyes as soon as she finds herself capable of speech.
"I want to talk with you."  Is his calm reply
"Well I don't want too."
Angry at his impudence she moves his arm and is about to push him when he does something she never suspected or dreamed he would dare do, he climbs atop her and presses his warm, solid form over her. Shocked out of her wits she is stunned at his move. Careful of not crushing her with his weight, he places his elbows on either side of her, weasels in a leg between hers to make himself more comfortable, and nudges them aside as he settles in between her parted legs.
Furious and disgusted with him she snaps out of her paralyzed state and pushes his shoulders to move him but is rendered powerless when he moves his arms, holds her wrists and with a swift move pins them beside her head, completely immobilizing her. Despite her best efforts, she is unable to free her hold on him as he tightens his grip on her.
"Ishita please, listen to me. Talk with me, trust me all I want to do is have a word with you. "
Finally looking at him with anger and still continuing her vain attempts she replies,
"And this is the way you wanna do that? As you hold me down forcefully."
"You have left me no other choice."
"So you put up Ruhi to this last night? How disgusting Raman."
"What? God no, how can you even say that? How can you even think I would something of this sort?"
"Right now I don't know what to expect of you, so I can think whatever I want."
Restraining his anger at her rightful accusations, he slams his eyes shut and replies enunciating each word precisely,
"You are free to think whatever you want but I know I am saying the truth here. I did not put Ruhi up to anything last night."
"Of course you are always right and honest Raman, always siding with the truth no way could you lie or cheat, so it has to be my mistake, only my mistake right?"
"Like I said you are free to think, I just want you to hear me please Ishita. It's a request."
"You have a funny way to make a request, by forcing yourself on me."
"You didn't leave me a choice; I am sorry Ishita, please."
"Funny how I think the same, you didn't leave me a choice too Raman. I trusted you and you lied to me.  You made a fool out of me while I was defending my husband in front of everyone, insisting he can do no wrong, justifying you. Do you know I even fought with my sister for you? No, I was the fool here.  It was a mistake, my mistake Raman... I trusted you, I trusted you so completely and you let me down, not just in front of everyone but myself... I... I found it so hard to trust people, to trust relationships but you... you made me change my mind. You took care of me and my family when I got drunk, defended me in front of Subu' mom,  you proved me innocent and got Parmeet punished, became a son to my parents and not a son-in-law when you saved Amma, paid her hospital bills.
You did all that and gained my trust and shattered it in an instant Raman, in an instant."
Whispering the last words she closes her eyes and gives up the fight to free herself and despite her best efforts to not, she cries.
As her tears roll down her face, she lets out a choked sob and since her eyes are closed, she does not realize his actions until she feels his lips upon her skin.  He releases her wrists and lovingly cups her face as he kisses her tears away. The gesture surprises her and she finally looks at her husband, whose face is somber and gentle, when he has kissed her last tear away, he finally looks her in the eye. His eyes displaying a plethora of emotions - some she recognizes, others foreign to her.
Just when she thinks she cannot be anymore surprised, she is, for he lovingly kisses her forehead and then closing his eyes shut rests his temple atop hers.
It is when she feels wetness upon her cheek that she finally opens her eyes and sees her husband' lips quivering. He is holding back a sob she realizes and instantly another one of his tears lands upon her face.
Angry and disappointed as she might be, something about this man makes it impossible for her to be indifferent she has learned. The night before when she could not bring herself to look after him when he returned she got their daughter to take care of him so now when she sees him cry,  it hurts her to see him in this state even when he has hurt her so much. He rarely let's his guard down she has learned, she had found him an insensitive, heartless man when she first met him and now she knows the truth which is not at all what she had assumed it was. He has one of the most loving, giving, gentlest hearts; she has come to know - only life has made him this person who hides his emotions as well as the man who hides from them.
To see him moved and weeping is a sight that she never perceived she would be privy to, not in the manner she is now at least. He had wept and created a ruckus when drunk after she learned the truth at the resort that day, he had shown he is vulnerable alright, but that day it was a toxic mix of anger, helplessness, frustration and guilt that had him raging, the turmoil rampant in his mind and heart which made him behave so callously.
This moment, the tears in them are as intimate as they could be; she realizes she has never seen him this fragile ever. He has never seemed gentler, defeated and sorrier as he is in this moment.
She cannot help but reach out to him.
Her arms lift of their own accord somehow and before she knows what is happening, she is cupping his face with both her hands, wiping away his tears with her thumbs. The move takes him as much by surprise but instead of withdrawing, as she expected he would do, he catches her off guard when he buries his face in the crook of her neck and his arms hold her tight as he weeps harder.
Words abandon her as she has no idea what to say to him, so instead she lets her instincts guide her as she holds him tighter and hugs him. She runs a gentle hand over his head and after a few moments, it seems he has wept his heart out as he moves back and looks at her.
He proceeds to say the first words that come to him,
"I am not having an affair with Shagun Ishita please it's the truth. She is the last woman on this earth I would want to even look at... I know, what I am doing these days, whatever I am saying all of it... it is working against me. I cannot blame you for thinking along these lines if you do, but if you can still please, believe me there will never be any relationship between Shagun and I now except for the fact that we both are Adi' parents. Nothing else at all, I am...there is a reason I need to do what I am doing now, but I never want to hurt you, never even in my dreams, when that's all that I am doing I know. I would understand if you never forgive me but please, please do not ignore me like this."
"What am I supposed to do then? What can I do tell me Raman? Fine you aren't having an affair with her, what you are doing is because she is Adi' mother but it still does not make your behavior excusable, it does not make things right. I assumed we are friends, thought you value this friendship as much as I do. Okay so as a husband you could not say things to me, but as a friend could I not be trusted too by you Raman. Do you think so little of me?"
He shakes his head frantically as he replies
"No, no Ishita please don't say that."
"Then what should I say? Tell me, how am I supposed to just let things slide? "
"I wish I could tell you to believe me but I know I can't, I so wanna explain things to you, tell you everything but I... I have given my word and cant back out of it. I need to solve this mess, once it's over I would come clean Ishita and whatever you decide, however you wish you can punish me, I wouldn't utter a word of protest, I swear just... don't ... don't"
"Don't what Raman?"
"Don't leave me...don't ask me to stay away ...from you, it's the only thing I can't do, not now, not ever. It's the only thing I can't promise you."  He whispers to her softy with utmost sincerity making her heart skip a beat.
"Why not...when... when we, this marriage aren't even anything more than a deal?"
The word infuriates him beyond reason,
"Stop saying that, stop saying this marriage is a deal Ishita, you and I both know... it's not anymore, I don't know what we are right now, I don't know what's changing between us... but you can't tell me you don't feel it too, that I am just the man you married for Ruhi' sake now, not anymore."
"How can you say any of that? What makes you believe in these assumptions?" She asks him while trying to control a fresh surge of tears welling up in her eyes, masking them with a fake smile.
With the sweetest smile on his face, the most genuine and gentle one she has ever seen gracing his lips he replies,
"Because you worry about me as much as I worry about you, because if it weren't the case you wouldn't have rushed to a burning hotel worried sick for me, wouldn't be this angry with me Ishita. You worry about someone you care for, get angry with someone you claim a right over... all these things don't happen between people who are indifferent to each other."
She looks away from him when he is done and stifles a sob with a gulp.
Shaking her head, she finally looks at him,
"I can't figure out what to do here, you won't tell me the truth and yet you ask me to trust you. You were doing everything you could and more a few days ago to find the culprit and now that we know its Shagun, you want to save her. You say she does not matter to you, that my indifference hurts you... but Raman you cannot have it all. You cannot just expect everything to go your way no questions asked."
"I know that... but I expect you to... Ishita, I know I am being unreasonable, the things I am asking of you are not easy but I can ask of them only from you, not anyone else."
"Why don't you ask them from Shagun then?"
"Because I can't alright, god I thought we cleared this up, there is nothing going on between the two of us."
"I know she is only using you Raman like always, but please be honest about your feelings with yourself. I am not judging you, I can't and won't, I never entered this marriage having any expectations from you."
"You think...I... still have feelings for her? That is why I am doing all of this?  I am NOT in love with her anymore Ishita, the only person whose love is making me do these crazy things is my son and I can't help that love, he is my child."
"Was... was spending time in a hotel room a part of your loving Adi as well?"
"God yes, I was in that room with Shagun but not... not for those reasons. I had a meeting with Pathak and another senior lawyer there behind closed doors, in private. We were working out a way to bury this case."
Exasperated with him, she lets out a sigh
"And yet you expect me to co-operate?  To not avoid you, can you not see this from my point of view?"
"That's the worst part of it, I do and I know from where you stand you are right."  He says in a defeated tone.
She pushes on a shoulder of his to get him to move again as she speaks up.
"Just let me go Raman, we can't solve this unless you tell me the truth and you won't do that. I cannot let go of this until I know what that truth is, get my Amma justice, which means we are at a standstill even now, and will be, its better we do not waste any more time now. The alarm would ring anytime now and I have a lot of work."
"I can't."
"Why?"
"I can't let you leave, I won't... I finally got you to talk with me and I don't want us to stop talking Ishita ..."
"When there is nothing you have to say, nothing I can, how can you expect us to keep on talking?"
"Then don't talk... just stay with me."
"Didn't my presence annoy you just before all of this happened?"
"Do you always have to say foolish things?"
"How is that foolish? You said even my voice irritates you."
"Just because I say things... doesn't always mean I actually mean them."
"Isn't that a problem with you always? You say something, and do another. You expect transparency from everyone but keep your cards to yourself... that is a recipe for disaster in the making sometimes."
"I wasn't always like this you know. Things changed, people changed, life did and so did I."
"You could be telling me the truth here, but for all I know, this is the truth that I haven't seen you any other way and that makes it hard for me to believe things now."
"I wish I could have known you back then, when I was a different Raman..."
She looks at him for a long moment before she whispers.
"I would have liked that."
He moves and rolls over then, setting her free.
She composes herself, gets up from the bed, and leaves the room.