September

This is dedicated to a few of my friends. The impact you make in my life is worth more than a million dollars. The world wouldn't be right without you. I love you :)

Also dedicated to any one who has every struggled with their self worth. You are good enough.

One Cold Day in September:

I once knew a kid with the name of William Alexander Martin. We called him Will, but sometimes we called him Alex. It depended on the day and the person. I always called him Will, it seemed to fit him. He had brown shaggy hair, typical for a boy. Sometimes he styled it and sometimes he just let it do whatever, but it always seemed to look better when he didn't bother at all. 

His eyes, if I remember correctly, were a light green color and if there was a paint that color, I'm sure it would have a name like 'misty grass'. I didn't look into his eyes much, but sometimes I would walk down the hallway and we would catch each other at the perfect moment. We'd both nod in acknowledgement before continuing on our way. It was a simple friendship.

He didn't seem sad. They never do, do they? It's not like they walk around with a sign on their chest saying 'hey! I'm depressed'. Would it make it easier if they did or would we just continue to judge them? But after all, everyone is depressed in one way or another. Most of us are just good at hiding it and pretending that part of us doesn't exist.

I miss him. I didn't know him well, but I miss him. I miss knowing that I would see him every day in Psychology class and I miss him whispering little things under his breath that would make me grin. There was one time when he called the mustache on our substitute teacher a 'very furry rat'. I almost got kicked out of class for laughing, it was loud enough to startle awake three of my classmates. 

I didn't ever meet his family, or ever go to his house, but there's a part of me that wishes I could go back in time and get to know him better. Was part of it my fault? If I had been a better person and realized he was sad, could I have helped him? It hurt my heart to know that he thought the only way to escape was by taking his own life. 

~

The announcement in school left every single one of us speechless. The principal didn't beat around the bushes, he just said in a choked voice, "As much as this pains me to have to say, we mourn the loss of William Alexander Martin. His family and friends are in our thoughts."

It wasn't until later that we learned that it was suicide; that the day before, he just decided to stop fighting. There was not a single sound that came out of the two thousand students in our high school, we all just stared at the wall. The teachers, too, were in disbelief. 

He was there one day and then he wasn't. I couldn't imagine that he wasn't there anymore. It kind of felt like he was just using the restroom and we were all overeacting. 

For ten minutes, not a word was spoken. The silence was ended when our principal cleared his throat and told us to get to our next class. If he hadn't, I don't know how long we would have sat there. Even then, we all walked around quietly. There was something that just made us feel like talking out loud would be disrespecting Will. Never had I ever experienced a harder day in high school than that cold day in September.

~

The funeral is still fresh in my mind, even if it was over three years ago. Our entire grade was there, the populars, the nerds, the floaters, the theatre kids. It didn't matter that only half of us had actually talked to him, we all noticed the absence. 

His mother was in shambles, she could barely stand straight. I kept hearing her say 'if only, if only'. I can't help but wonder if her 'if only's were similar to my own. The tears that streamed down her cheeks were consistent, barely a second's pause between each drop. I could practically feel my heart breaking as I watched her.

His dad was the one consoling her, but I could see the glisten in his eyes that was a telltale of his own tears. The bags under his eyes were so prominent, it was like someone had taken a black marker and filled them in. 

His sister didn't move the entire time I was inside that church. She simply sat in the back row, her eyes never straying from the flowers. There was no emotion in this eyes, the shock was evident in her body language and how every few minutes she would shiver, as if she were cold. She was only a year younger than him, and went to school with us as well. But now she would have to walk alone.

Then there was the girl that was secretly in love with him. She was in our class and she was inconsolable, constantly pounding the seat beside her as she let the tears fall. "I never get to tell him. I never get to tell him that I love him. I love him." Just knowing that she would never be able to confront him, that she would always live with that unbearable love, made the tears pool inside my eyes.

The church was bursting at the seams, people crowding in from all sides. Family, friends, strangers. We all came together to mourn a boy who left too soon.

~

On graduation day, we were all chipper and cheerful. Four years in the same building that was slowly falling apart had seemed like a prison sentence, but the ceremony was outside. It seemed fitting, like after those eight hour days, we were being set free into the world. It was scary as hell, to not know what our futures held, but it was exciting. We had so much to look forward to.

We had the typical school colors of blue and white, the chairs all had little name tags on them to tell us where to sit. There were over two hundred graduates, ranging from the valedictorians to the kid who barely scraped by to get his diploma. We all seemed to come together, the fights and drama of the years just seemed to slip away. These people weren't going to be my best friends forever, but they were apart of the most important time of my life.

I remember walking into the row that was marked for M's and seeing that one empty spot. It made me stop immediately and just look at it. His name was written in cursive, just like everyone else's'. It was identical to my own, besides the name. Yet there just seemed like there was something special about it. 

"You miss him too, huh?" That voice belonged to one of those popular kids that I had never talked to except for an occasional 'what's the homework again?'. He seemed sad, as he looked at the same seat I was.

"I wish he could have seen this day with the rest of us. When nothing seems so bad." I had replied.

"I never talked to him, you know. I wish I had, though. Do you ever wonder what it would have been like if we had known?" 

I didn't say it then, but I just wanted to nod my head vigorously. Every time I thought of him, I had this guilty conscience of 'you should have known'. It wasn't realistic for me to know, though. People don't always express how they feel. 

The day went by so quickly, there was hardly time to stop and think about the fact that I was graduating. "In loving memory of William Alexander Martin."

The hundreds of people that were there were silenced, and I don't know who started it. I wouldn't even be able to guess. But a cheer went up through the crowd, roaring louder than it could have for any single graduate. As if it had been planned, the class all stood up and raised our hats as high as we could reach.

"For Will!" A guy yelled and we all echoed. 

And this time, when my teachers cried, it wasn't because of the stupidity that we occasionally possessed. It was in pure pride and in pure respect.

~

I wasn't best friends with him. I wasn't in love with him. We weren't related. But a part of me will always miss him, and I wish he could have seen that. I wish he could have seen how much he truly was loved and although life wasn't always easy, he did have people on his side. If only he had given us the chance.

One cold day in September changed many people, whether it's obvious or not. There would always be a Will-sized hole in our heart.

~ Finished ~