After (an after allegiant fanfic)

1

    I wake with a start from my five minutes of fitful sleep.  Every time I try to doze off I get a nightmare so bad that I can't even close my eyes again for the rest of the night.  I quickly get up and go outside without even putting a shirt on.  I only go outside anymore at night because I don't like people looking at me.  Everyone knows me now, and they give me a look of pity or, even worse, pride.  How could they possibly be proud of me?  I was a piece in a big game and now I'm completely fucked up.  Even my friends have given up.  The first few months they would take turns making sure I ate and went outside, but I was terrible enough to all of them that they finally stopped coming.         It has now been five and a half months since everything happened and I haven't talked to anyone in nearly three months.
  I wish all the time that I could just let myself die, but then I feel like such an asshole.  Nobody else got to choose to die... Why should I give up my life for nothing?"
  So I continue to live, but just barely.  I haven't completely cut out the idea of letting myself die quietly.  But for now, I'll just drink and take my stupid pills and hope that maybe the combination will become toxic.
  Even as I walk down the road in the brisk winter air, I'm warmed by the alcohol that I sip from a little flask.  I step on something sharp and look down at my bloody foot and that is when I realize I'm not wearing shoes either.  I smile a rueful smile to myself, tip back my drink, and keep walking. 
  I let myself be absorbed in the wind, the silence.  I'm so absorbed walking back to my house that I don't notice the strange car in my driveway or the shivering man on my porch until it's too late to turn around.
  "Tobias?" The man asks hesitantly.
  I get mad as I do with every other reporter/therapist/person.  "No.  Whatever you want me to tell you about, the answer is no. Get off of my porch..."
  "But-"
  "I don't care what you'll give me... I have more than I need, thank you very much."
  "Tobias Eaton, be quiet for a minute! It's me... Your... Ah... Marcus." He steps into the light and I see that it really is my father.   My once-warm body is now cold as ice.
  "Go away." I say in a low voice.  "You have no right to be here..." I go up my porch steps and try to push past him into my house.
  "Tobias, please... Just hear me out." He lifts his hands in a pleading gesture and I flinch out of habit.  I grit my teeth.  "You have two minutes."
  "Can we go inside for this?"
  I glare at him but I'm starting to get cold so I open the door and go in, but I don't shut it behind me. I can hear from his steps that he followed me in and I don't have to look back to know that he's looking around my home, assessing the way I live.
I run up the stairs and put on a shirt and when I come back he's sitting on my couch.
"What do you want?" I glare at him.
"How are you Tobias?"
The question actually catches me off guard. "I... I'm fine."
"Really? Because that's not what I hear. I see reports in the news that you've become a recluse... That maybe you've even died? Nobody has seen you in months... Your friends even had to resort to contacting me to make sure you were alive."
"Well, at least it's for them and not for you. I wouldn't want to put you through the trouble of caring." I snap.
"I didn't say I wasn't worried... Be honest. How are you?" His voice is quiet in a way I've never heard before.
"I'm fucking peachy, Marcus. Just grand." I glare at him. "How the hell do you think I am?"
"I heard about Beatrice," he says suddenly and it's like the wind is knocked out of me. "I mean, I knew about her death... And her parents... But what I discovered just recently was that you two were... Ah... Involved?"
"Don't." I whisper. "You have no right to discuss her with me..." I grip the chair in front of me, afraid of breaking down.
"Why not? Why won't you talk about her...?"
"Because I loved her..." I grit my teeth. "And it's my fault that she's dead..." It's the first time I've said it out loud and my knees feel weak and I feel myself breaking down. I quickly look down because uncontrollable tears have started running down my face.
Marcus clears his throat uncomfortably. "Oh... I... Um... I didn't realize..."
I look away. "Please just go... I... I can't deal with you right now..."
"I will not leave Tobias. Look at you! You obviously haven't been eating... You haven't been taking care of yourself... If you're going to act like a child then I'm going to treat you as such. I'm moving in."
I spin on him. "Like hell you will..."
"I am. At one point you could have fought me, but now you're too weak. You're not going to argue, Tobias. That's final. And if you try to make me leave, your friends are just going to swarm you again. You don't want that. I'm moving in, and I'll tell your friends they don't need to worry."
  I get beyond furious but I know he's right. I can't fight him.  I can't face my friends.
  I say nothing, I just walk up my stairs and lock myself in my room like the child he says I am.