Dreamscape

Another sleepless night wrecks my soul. Another night stuck without her. Another sleepless night I can't blow her phone up with "BEST FRIEND HALP" and "best friend, I can't sleep. Got memes?" Another night without her to call, another darkened timeframe stuck with her. I toss and turn wishing this time away. I wish she hadn't done what she did. She left us with a her-shaped hole in our souls as we ache for the fifteen year old beauty I was blessed and grateful to call my best friend. I miss her. Ugh, another 2:30 am nightmare without the peaceful escape of sleep. Maybe thinking of something else will help.

Just think of that stupid Earth and Space class you used to be in first thing in the morning. Imagine no vapid people to care what you do, an empty classroom left to you and your devices. Just imagine the sweet release of some music, your favorite playlist on YouTube since you have cell service in that stupid upstairs classroom. Imagine the sweet release of sleep as you ignore the ganze Welt und sleep. Peaceful sleep, at last. It comes with a cost. All you see is her. THe memories. The first time you met. Spring Breaks and stupid things. Undertale and giggling at Markiplier and how cute he is. The first time she talked about her Senpai Markimoo, even though we didn't joke about senpais back then. 2012 turning to 2013, then 2014, 2015, 2016 and now the sliver of time we had in 2017. The weekly karate classes that gave you two that time together, going from being karate friends to best friends in a seamless transition of a few moments. A moment that changed both of our lives for the better, forever. I will never have a best friend exactly like her,or the goofy best-friendship/sisterhood we had but that doesn't mean I won't have friends again. It just means that she'll be there with me and they'll know her. They'll know who my Izzy is and they'll understand it. She was my sister, not by blood but by love. She was the sister I never had and I am grateful for that. She was the only sibling I had. And now I'm wide awake again. Oh well.

Maybe some Golf With Drunks will help. Of course there's screaming and laughing and joking, but I pretty much have them memorized. It's my safe place, my haven when none of them are streaming. It's my safety net when I fall again, back to the self-loathing I probably perfected when I was 9 years old. A safety net I need, safe and warm like my purple blanket or Izzy's hugs. So warm, they are the home I lost or never had. I remember the streams I joined, how Crumpler and Piya were so amazing and everyone in chat was so sweet. Loki and Dragan are amazing! Crumpler is so kind, when I streamed the Sims 4 after going to stream Izzy's favorite game, Undertale, no only did Crumpler join the chat which made me freak out a bit inside but the wild Oboe was there talking to me. I couldn't have done that without them. I am so blessed with all the amazing friends in my life, and Izzy was no exception.

Izzy

I... I...... I just.... miss her. For King and Country's song Without You explains how I feel so well. I love her so much and I miss her with every fiber of my being.

I
Miss
My
Best
Friend

There, I said it. I miss her. I miss her jacket with the hole in the sleeve. I miss the lock screen she had on her iPad that I told her to place back in I think 2015. Probably 2014 if I'm being honest. It was a long time ago. I miss our amazing weekend at PAX South in San Antonio, Texas. I miss our friends, the wild Cringy Crew and all the memes and songs and just goofiness. I miss her. I. Miss. My. Izzy. Plain and simple. I miss the way she smelt, the comforting scent of my best friend. I miss our goofy moments. I miss everything we did and everything we never got to do. I just miss her. I know she's proud of me, making friends and moving towards honoring her in every breath. But I wish she was here with me. I just miss how it was, and how it never got to be.

No, I don't wanna live, without you

For King and Country, Without You

Thanks for reading this one-off about my way of handling Izzy's death. I'm starting to connect the face with the names and it's killing me. Thanks for supporting me in everything. I love you guys so much. I'm so blessed by you all. Thanks again to you all, though I could never thank you all enough. I love you guys so much. Thanks for every single thing, from liking/retweeting tweets and following my Twitter to being there when I am coughing and about to cry. Thanks for every single thing. I'm proud to call you my friends. Okay, Imma leave before I get too sappy XD

Again, thanks y'all.

It's high time for this Texan to find some tea, so this Texan will leave you with a symbol of Izzy's Army
💙

Vielen Dank mein Lieblings, ich liebe dich. ❤️