If I Was There (Dear Evan Hansen Fanfic)

Evan

The deathly screeches from my alarm clock forced me back to reality. I slammed on the snooze button and stared up at the ceiling. Another day of school awaited me.

School was a living hell for me. I had major social anxiety, so every interaction in that jam-packed building full of obnoxious people made me extremely uncomfortable. I hated myself for that. Every night I wished that I could just wake up and be normal.

I sighed and got up. I heard my mom humming as she packed my lunch. She knows about my struggles, but she simply cannot understand it.

"Hi honey." She greets me as I sluggishly drag myself across the living room. I slump onto the couch and manage to mumble a "good morning" back to her. You could tell I was not a morning person.

I scrolled through my Facebook as I do every morning. An article that mentioned the name of my high school caught my eye.

"Student, Connor Murphy commits suicide."

Connor. I spoke with him quite regularly in the classes that we share. No one would notice us at the very back of the classroom since we were pretty much invisible. We were bound to talk to each other since we were both awkward, unusual people. He was slightly aggressive but I was good at dealing with these types of people. We've bonded over the years. I couldn't believe what I had just read.

I felt my eyes water up, but I held it together. I knew about Connor's struggles and I tried to help, but it seems that I didn't have much of an impact. I did what I could. My heart sank but I managed to pull through.

As I arrived at the school, I noticed people murmuring Connor's name, people who never even cared. I felt slightly aggravated, but I let them speak. Connor deserves to be noticed. He was a pretty good guy if you got to know him. Surprisingly intelligent and wise. He just seemed to subconsciously isolate himself.

I tried not to make eye contact with anyone as I walked through the front doors. I stared at my shoes as I concentrated on not shedding a tear.

Suddenly, I felt my head bump into someone's chest. I lost balance and fell to the ground.

"Oh my god, I'm sorry!" We said at the same time.

I looked up to see a boy in a blue, striped shirt. He reached out his hand to help me up but immediately retracted it and wiped it on his shirt. I understood what he was doing immediately. I always worry about sweaty hands too.

"Uhm, I'm sorry." He said.

"I'm sorry as well. I shouldn't have been looking down." I blurted, then my face began to heat up. Talking to strangers made me extremely nervous.

"I'm Evan. Not that you care. I mean, if you care then great but I mean you shouldn't care, why should you-" he began to say very quickly.

"I-I'm y/n. Nice to meet you Evan." I said as I looked off to the side. My face was red and I couldn't bring myself to make eye contact. It didn't seem to be a problem since he was doing the same.

"Do you want to sign my cast?" He asked out of the blue.

"Do I want to what?" I asked. I didn't catch what he said because I was too focused on not making eye contact, and also worrying about every single thing I did.

"What? Um, never mind. I didn't say anything important, just ignore everything-"

He was cut off my the loud bell, signalling that we had class in 5 minutes. The wave of students were approaching.

"I should go." I said, and managed to make eye contact for a split second.

"Uhm, yeah, me too, uh, see you? I mean if you don't want to then obviously you don't have to talk to me ever again because I wouldn't want to either I'm weird and-" Evan began.

"Evan, I'd love to." I said and gave him a quick smile. I waved a small goodbye and headed towards my class. My face was completely red and burning hot. This is as much human interaction as my brain can take.

I walked into the classroom, and closed myself up again. Everything would be the same, the only difference is that the seat next to me will now be empty. There were notes and flowers on Connor's table. Notes from people he's never interacted with. Fake sorrows. Fake people.

I shut my emotions off again, and quietly got through the rest of the school day.

~~

Thanks for reading the first chapter!! Leave a vote and comment if you'd like me to continue writing this :)