Words I'd wish I'd said

3/8/17

Dear The Boy Who Never Really Needed Me,

I've been with you twice. Both times you've rejected me because of a GIRL. If you really had loved me, you would've been mine. You Broke my heart because you said you loved me. You showed me what it's like to be deceiving and cruel.

But I liked it. I liked the way it felt to be the person on the side. Maybe that's why I let myself into Polygamous relationships. 

Maybe that's why I let myself get hurt, because the first boy I EVER KISSED WAS YOU. Because I don't hate you, I just hope you learn. I hope you understand why I needed you. I hope you understand that every time I see you at school it's like a punch in my gut. It's like a sadness that never will leave.

Maybe you'll read this and talk to me, after almost two months of not speaking to me.

For some reason, I hope so.

I let myself do this, why did I let myself do this?

And I love him because he said he loved me but he could just as easily break my heart the same way you did. The same way you did BOTH TIMES.

I hate myself because of you. It was not your fault that I attempted suicide, but you're definitely a factor. 

You're lucky I'm alive.