On the event that evil may befall me, I write this in haste to myself to remind myself of the person behind the door. The reading of this explains exactly how I went about becoming mentally corrupted. My name Is Manuel J. Arroyo. I have a sister, a Mom and Dad, one dog and this is a journey into my mind. On my spare time I wasn't ever up to no good, I generally kept to myself and did simple things. Somewhere during one of my long nights awake, I felt a traction In my mind, a breaking point were I was able to realize where I was and how I felt about it. I simply brushed this night away thinking it was just my temper getting to me and to think about It more would just frustrate me. I was without this emotion that acidly destroyed me for a good few days, but without warning the same emotion came back In the middle of the night. It was like I had a seeping gap on my head which let the toxicity of this world seep In. To give a little more Information about this mental sensitivity, we need to look back at my childhood.
Since I was a child I always held my emotions In. On some occasions I was forced to withhold how I felt or reacted to situations. To consider myself a very knowledgeable child Is presumptuous; I was surely silly and childish, but I was not without some sense. I was very up In my head, always thinking and engaging In mental activities. But like any other childhood, mine was filled with some drama. From here on I will recall the events that traumatized me. These events I claim lead up to why I think the way I think and feel how I feel on occasions. The top three most traumatizing events that happened during my childhood that changed me are in order of impact.
The first was the initial break up of my parents. Generally parents play a very big role In how you grow up- your Influences and environment. My Influence from my parents was always good; just like any child I did pick up my bad habits but they couldn't have done any better. My parents got together when they were very young, and weren't ready for what was before them. This caused them to break up multiple times which affected my sister and I greatly. this was In my Instance the first traumatizing Incident. I was raised a very weak and sensitive kid, not very masculine- which I don't hate or dislike for I've grown some masculinity on my own. But I was so emotional during my childhood these events Impacted me mentally and caused me to think differently and have different views. This first Incident led to my first mental break down. I haven't decided on yet to call them mental break downs or Anxiety attacks for they vary on the circumstance. Since the first Incident I've had repeated mental break downs and anxiety attacks; I'm almost sure It's Incorporated Into me now since the sensitivity from my childhood was so strong.
The second Incident that caused me to be this broken mentally was my dog dying. This was my first death that had my love In It. This was a breaking point In my life; sorrow bestowed me, and I lost myself greatly here. Somewhere In the process of death If you are yet but Innocent It can either consume or not affect you. In my case I was consumed by the grief of death. I was told on accident that It was my fault that the dog had died. The dog known as Zion was affected by a disease that eats the dogs Internal organs. This happens when a dog either eats It's own poop or other animals poop that has been In the open and can be Infected randomly. When this happened I stepped Into a darker area, with no real guidance on how to feel but hurt. My parents supported me and loved me but nobody can help someone on the Inside when they hurt. No one could really help me because I was always Inside my head my pain and emotion was In a place no one could reach. Through these two previous events my heart grew dark and swollen with fear, frustration and hatred. On to my last Incident...
The final reason of my shut down of what I think Is the old me. This newer version Is just a dried up costume I chose because I can't be the person I was without being something I disgust. This final event broke me Inside like no one believed. It wouldn't seem this severe but I was hurt greatly. On a normal summer day I was with my father doing lawn work at my grandmothers sisters yard, and I was running around freely with my dog enjoying the air. Some how In the action and the summer sun I heard a squeaking sound. I ran around looking for what It was but couldn't see anything. I finally found the sound and It was a baby rabbit dying. It's neck was broken and I wasn't sure what happened or how this came about. When I told my dad who had gone to get some tools what happened, he came to check. He was greatly disappointed, I didn't know how the bunny broke It's neck and he asked me If I did It. I told him that I didn't and I even said I didn't know anything happened till I heard this squeaking sound, and this Is what he told me. He said If I was the one who killed this bunny, I was going to hell. My father didn't believe me back then; I was a liar often In my childhood. The reason behind that unknown fear- maybe, but to this point I don't know why. I was so traumatized Is due to my father tell me I'm going to hell If I did this and that he didn't trust me. These may be foolish reasons for why I slowly became this way, or just a bunch of excuses for why I think I'm so mental. But somewhere In my mind these memories are stored and the emotion stored up from these events seep out of my body In devilish ways almost too sinister. These were the experiences that lead up to this current day and time; these experiences broke me left and right and made me feel this way now. My life has almost been unaffected since.
