Dear you

Dear Mom

I'm lying in my bed, my throat feels swollen, my chest aches like a dagger has just been ripped through it, and one of the only things that i can think of is "why am I not good enough" because you see, I'm never good enough. Not for You, for dad, for my friends, not even for myself. And when I think about it, everything starts with you. I'm not talking about her or anything to do with that, No, I'm talking about how you were the one who I used to spend the most time with I was a kid because I was harassed and bullied, because dad worked and wasn't home, because you taught me how to read and write, because even if you didn't give birth to me you were my mother. Do you know how much pain you cause me? Every time you tell me to quiet down, every misguided insult, every time you told me that I talk to much. Every goddam time you took your anger out on me when something else went wrong. What the fuck? What have I done? I'm sorry I'm useless, that i don't know what I'm doing with my life, that you and dad are stuck with a fat, stupid, pathetic loser of a daughter who sucks at athletics and who can't be 100% smart and who has so many imperfections that even if I had good qualities they wouldn't be noticed! I'm sorry that you have to deal with me and my inane blabber, I'm so sorry that you had to give up your lives to a kid you didn't even want! I'll I ever have done is try for you, so you could be proud of me. But I ruin everything I touch, make mistakes with everything I do. I'm so sorry you ever had/have to deal with me.

And now, I need to add 2 things to that list of disappointment. I have anxiety and depression. No, I'm not "blowing shit out my ass" no it's not "a stupid hormonal teenage faze" the truth is I'm sick and I've been sick for such a long time it's not even funny. I did my research, I denied it from hell and back, but it's true. Anxiety runs in dad's side of the family even, and depression on her side. It was bound to happen, if not with me then my children or grandchildren. Look, I could give you the statics and the symptoms, but that's not the point. I honestly just want you to love me, hug me and tell me it's okay, that I can do it, that I'm not crazy and that being sick is okay, because I didn't choose to be like this. I hate myself for it, for being so weak, and I just wish I had the confidence to tell You, that i could trust you'd understand. But honestly, I don't think you will. I think you will never believe me, that you may even mock me. I don't think you would try to be rude or mean, but that's how you two are. I'm so tired, mom. I ache, when I breathe, when I walk, when I smile, when I think, I ache so badly that my heart would rather be ripped out of my chest then to stay. I feel like I've been broken, used. I KNOW others have it worse, but does that mean I'm totally invalid? That I can't feel? Because I do, And I feel so much for so many people that it's terrifying and it hurts because so many have the power to hurt me. But you, you could break me once and for all.

You told me once that your worst fear was for me to say you aren't my mother. My worst fear is for you to look me in the eyes and say I'm done, for dad to do the same, for you to say your not my daughter, for dad to regret ever having me. I hate it, I hate myself. I want to die. All those times you asked me if I wanted to die, I told you no. I was lying . I'm sorry about all the lies too. I only ever said what you wanted to hear so you could get angry enough to hurt me. There are some thing's that I'll take to my grave, but I bet if you thought about it, you'd know exactly what I'm talking about. The only real time I stood up for myself is when you said I cheated after finding a tiny note on the ground from a year ago that I wrote what I thought were the answers for a no grade, test your knowledge Pop quiz  (got them all right, made an A on that test 2 days later, if you actually care enough to know) . I hated you for that, because things had been very peaceful and calm, and you had to hurt me while I was in the middle of a depression episode after a friend killed herself, another quit talking to me, and I was dealing with the stress of so many new things. You may be used to change, but I am not, and like I mentioned earlier, I have depression and anxiety. You know what's hard for people with those? EVERYTHING YOU DID TO ME THAT SUMMER! GOING AND DEALING WITH HIGHSCHOOL RIGHT AFTER! DURING ALL THAT TIME YOU DIDN'T GIVE A GOD DAM ABOUT HOW I FUCKING FELT. NO ALL YOU DID WAS SCREAM IN MY FACE "YOU RUIN EVERYTHING" BECAUSE I TOLD SOMEONE WHO I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST ABOUT HOW I FELT CAUSE I WALKED INTO HER HOUSE CRYING. I TRIED NOT TO, BUT YOU HURT ME SO MUCH. WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO MOM? It's so hard to even be in the same room with you. You told me we both were emotional, but when I tried talking to you, you shut me down. I just needed someone to listen and hug me and tell me it's okay, I didn't need you telling me it was stupid or I was upset for no reason.

I have been hurt by so many people. Why would you hurt me too? I constantly want to cry, want to scream, want to sleep and never wake up again. Am I that horrible of a person that I deserved this?  Because I'm sorry. I am thankful for everything I have, have ever had, and anything I get. I try to say thank you as much as possible, to apologize when I'm in the wrong. Yet I'm still not good enough. I'll..... I'll never be good enough. I wish you had gotten a sporty artistic son instead of me. I'm sorry you are stuck with me.

Even after I write this letter, I don't hate you. I would be lying if I said the person I hate is you instead of me.

Actually, I love you so much that even after all of that, the next time you tell me I talk to much, I'll shut up. The next time I'm done but you say I made a mistake I'll do it again so it might be better. I just wish you could learn to love me enough to let me be my self. Because I think this is killing me, and my fakeness is so realistic that it's starting to scare me how I can cry and act like I'm fine the next minute.

I love you, and I always will,

Sincerely

Jamie