CHAPTER 1:
AfdsgfhygfdOfxsgfydhOytuyfOhjOg-OK, OK…I’m awake. Christ, that was a weird dream. I don’t even want to know what those nuns say about my sub-consciousness.
Ah! What a great sunny morning! Oh yeah, I forgot to close the curtains. Never mind. It looks nice like this.
I should probably get my phone and check the time. Can I…no, I can’t move. I’m too comfortable. It’s alright; I can lie here for a moment. There’s something I’ve got to do, but it’s not urgent. I know it’s not urgent.
OK, enough lying around. Just reach, Ian. Just slowly reach and grab the phone. You don’t even have to look. Just reach over. Just slowly reach over and get the phone.
No. That’s the lamp. Try again. That’s it, try again.
Got it? Good. Now bring it over. Gently does it. Now just quickly look at the time.
Right, you’ve looked at the time. Now to ju-wait…look at the time again....
Oh....
Has your head ever fallen off at an awkward moment?
Another question: Have you ever been late for something? Have you ever woken up, rubbed your eyes, yawned, looked outside, basked in the glow of the morning sun, at the time, made a loud noise of panic, sprung up, and desperately tried to get dressed? If you have, then you know exactly how Ian feels right now.
To make matters worse, not only was poor Ian late, but it was also his first day of his new job. Work began promptly at 9 o’clock. It would take Ian thirty minutes to navigate London public transport. It was now 8:46.
As Ian was in a blind panic, it took him slightly longer to dress himself.
Pull on the trousers! No that’s socks. No that’s underwear. The trousers! Where are the trousers!?
There! Put them on! No! On your legs, not over your head! Quicker! QUICKER!!
Things went smoother when he relearnt the difference between arms and legs.
He almost fell down the stairs during his descent, but this didn’t matter to Ian. In fact, it sped him up a bit. Once he had tripped his way to the bottom, he put on his suit jacket, took it off, put it on again the right way round, picked up his briefcase, and almost forgot to snatch his keys as he slipped out of the door.
It was a beautiful day outside. Well, it was a beautiful day for the idle dog-walker passing by Ian’s semi-detached house. Well, it was beautiful by English standards – which are low since England consistently underperforms in the sunshine department. Ian didn’t notice however, as he had just painfully collided with the front gate. As much as he wanted to express all his current woes – the fact that he was late for his first day, the fact that he had been rugby-tackled by the gate, and the fact it was a Monday – all he could say was “Oof!”
The idle dog-walker paused to witness the acrobatic spectacle of Ian rolling over the gate to land on the other side in a mess of arms and feet before resuming her mediocre day. Meanwhile, Ian untangled his limbs and carried on.
Out of the way! Out of the way! I’m late, I’m late! Can’t you tell that I’m late?! Oh Christ, where’s my phone?! I must have left it at home. Doesn’t matter! Just get out of my way!
Ian squeezed his way through the security barriers and down the escalator. With every alternate step, he desperately called out “Sorry!” as his briefcase whacked entire domino-lines of commuters.
Out of the wa-oh, sorry! Out of the way! Out of th-I’m so sorry! Out of the way! Oh, sorry!
With the stairs out of the way, Ian sprinted to the left – sending a cluster of tourists flying. He then realised he was going Westbound, and sprinted to the right. Thankfully there were no tourists in the way, because they had all boarded the train that was merrily zooming off into the distance without him. All Ian could do was paw ineffectually at the closed door as it zoomed away. He then had to endure the most gruelling thirty seconds of his life as he hopped about from one foot to the other waiting for another train.
When the next train finally showed itself, Ian ignored the unspoken ‘let exiting passengers off first’ rule and ploughed his way through a crowd of adolescent schoolchildren. It was only once he was through the sea of acne he could finally slump into a seat and try to regain some oxygen before his stop.
Opposite him, another woman barged her way through the greasy-haired youths. She too fell back onto her seat, briefly free from her day of hurried movement.
Ian looked down to notice his suitcase was open and half his paperwork was gone. Fortunately, it was all rather irrelevant paperwork.
The woman opposite looked down to notice her bag was open and half of her paperwork was gone. Fortunately she hated her job and relished in an opportunity to subtly fight the bureaucracy that hold society upside down and steals its lunch money.
Ian looked up to notice a woman in a red dress with blonde hair trying to catch her breath. He was relieved to discover that another person was late for work and her bag was half-empty too.
The woman opposite looked up to notice a dishevelled man panting and sweating. She was surprised to find that another suited man didn’t want to be late for work, and his suitcase was half-empty too. She was also surprised that he was looking right at her.
They both looked away.
If the train hadn’t screeched to a halt at Ian’s stop, he would have crawled up in a ball and died of embarrassment. But before he could do this, he remembered that he was running late for work, it was his first day of work, and it was a Monday.
Ian shot out of the train, leaving a string of dazed commuters in his wake. He sprinted up the stairs, and it was at this precise moment that Ian was face-to-face with the inevitable fact that he would be late for his first day of work.
This, naturally, made Ian panic.
Oh god! What am I going to say? What am I going to do? I’m going to be late! I’m going to be late! They’ll sack me on the spot! They’ll slam the door in my face! Oh god!
When the brain panics, it produces neurotransmitters, which send signals to the brain saying: “please begin panicking”. Ian’s brain soon became infested with neurotransmitters, each of them ordering his brain to go wild with terror – so much so that it couldn’t take the stress anymore.
So his head fell off.
