Letters to Mother

Dear 'Nay,

Hi, how are you? are you already suffocated on the walls that once you put up on me? are you tired enough on climbing your greatest standards that once you set on me? I wish I could bring back the time where I was still a young being. I wish I had enough maturity that time so I can never be blinded by your standards, I wish, you don't know how I wish that every night.

You don't have to push me on my limitations and make a new me. a different me. your ideal daughter. I have my own mind, own decision abilities. you put me on the spotlight when I all wanna do is to runaway and lurk on my shell. you put me on the every headlines and ambitious story, a royalty talent when all I ever want to do is creep up in your arms and feel your love. but you push me away. you push me so hard to the point that I don't feel your affection. you put me on the throne that I don't want to sit in.

I do whatever you want. even if it hurts me. I get seated all day, slacking and just facing the book and the scribbled mathematics equation. even though I want to play with others kids in the streets, I was there on your side, reading and catching your deadly hit. I was there in your side always. cause you said that being on top will make you proud. Mother, did I ever make you proud? I guess not. Even I get some medal and recognition, it never make you proud. because it is too low, too low for your great standards.

I thought you'll  be happy when my exams are almost perfect. one wrong or two. I was excited in way to our house. but I got nothing but your deadly beat in my arms and you said "Face the wall! memorize the multiplication table!" and all I ever do is to scream and sob between chanting those equation.

I understand why your doing this to me. it is for my own good. for the sake of my future. but, don't you think that what you do is too much? too much for my soul? I was too damn tired for all the hurtful words you said to me. I don't even feel that I'm breathing when you chained me on your idealism.

Now, now that I had my own strength to pull my self from your chain, I don't have to climb your standard because of my own strength, I can break your walls. I feel so human that time.

I thought that I was all perfect that day. I feel so free, but my footprints leaves the trail of insecurities. lots of them. you leave a stain to my personality. you practice me to be on top, I get that character too. I loathe you to the finest, mother.

Maybe I was too stubborn to think of ways how to bring down others. The side effects of insecurities. I was all greedy for the grades and achievement. maybe because I wanted to slap them to you and feed that I can be what I am without your help. I blame you for who I am now. I wish I could turn back the clock and have the chance to have the enough maturity. maybe I'm a better person right now.

I just want you to know that I will never be like you, your idealism and your perfection. It is hard for me to reach your ideals and your expectations. it is hard for me to understand your languages because you said that I'm just a disappointment, a hard headed noob. it its hard for me the things that it just a breath to you.

See me now mother? I know that there is nothing that I can I can be proud of, but see me know mother? I am what I want to be now. I don't think that you are happy now for what I am. but please, raise up your lips and give me hug? all I ever want to see is your approval, your appreciation of being what I am today.

I can sing, I can play instruments, partly genius in science, I do poetry, I write story, somewhat independent, kinda suck in grammar, I know that all of these above are far from your ideal daughter, but hey mom,

Did I ever make you proud?

Not your ideal daughter,

Maimai.