The Atheist Wanna Be, Always Stuck in a Glimmer of Hope

Chapter One

Jenna Capman began seriously doubting the existence of God when she graduated from college two years ago. The doubt probably started long before that, but the aggravation of not knowing the truth became more noticeable over time. Raised Catholic, not the strict-ruin-your-life kind, but Catholic nonetheless, she never really gave much thought to doubting Jesus and God a whole lot. Her parents had paid for an expensive private Catholic school that vigorously indoctrinated her as all religions are intended to do. Jenna's self-motivation led her to always earn the best grades, even in religion class, so she studied and submitted the correct answers. She didn't do a whole lot of questioning back then. The one thing that always bothered her, even when she was very young, was the puzzling notion of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. To this day, she was quite certain no adult alive could adequately try to explain three components of one entity—one that is a father, his own son, and a holy spirit—whatever a holy spirt is supposed to mean. Seriously, one just had to accept this convenient little three-in-one package deal and not try to make sense of it. Sure, any priest could ramble on about its meaning without ever batting an eye. It's just like politics, if you can ramble your way through an answer without actually answering the question, plenty of people who want to be on your side will accept whatever gibberish comes out of your mouth. And maybe they will consider your gibberish brilliant gibberish. But Jenna would never have any of that. Gibberish is gibberish. It's nonsensical. Nonsensical shouldn't be praised. Not only should it not be praised, it should be ridiculed and called out for its hollow form and lack of meaning. This was today's train of thought as Jenna rode the bus home from work.

Jenna unlocked her apartment door, stepped inside, and dropped her purse and backpack on the floor. She plopped on the couch the same way every day after returning from the go-nowhere job that treated her as the cog in a wheel they wanted her to be. After flipping through channels on TV, every news station spoke about a human tragedy that Jenna could trace back to religious differences. Religious beliefs were dividing up relationships, nations, interfering in government rule, and causing horrible deaths. She'd had enough. She popped open a beer and sat in front of her computer searching meet-up sites. She tried search terms such as "people against religion" and "anti-religion protest" to find others who were tired of a religious society interfering with leadership and life in general. What she stumbled upon, however, was not what she expected. The Arleighton Atheist Meet Up. No, she was not an atheist. She had told herself this every night as she prayed to the God who she hoped was there, but most certainly was uncertain whether he was. The descriptor read "For atheists, agnostics, undecideds, and everything between."

Jenna clicked on the membership list and read the few profiles that were provided. Maverick's said, "Looking for other souls who are sick of all the unicorn worshippers ruling the earth." Artuna's said, "I just want to feel at home somewhere without pretending everything happens for a reason or hearing people chatter about how 'I'm leaving it up to God to decide.' The bullshit is just too much, don't you think?" Nostradamus' said, "Science is the only god I know. Religion is the most horrific creation of man."

Wow. It was like hitting the jackpot on the first try. A live group of nonconformists. She hit "Join" and typed in her blurb under the name Pretender. "I'm tired of not knowing the truth about God and not be able to say that in front of everyone without judgment. I don't want to pretend anymore." Yes, that would suffice.

She worried the group's meeting spot might be an underground bar in a seedy side of town. Or maybe at a member's residence where you had to enter via a dark alley below fire escapes dripping cold water on your head. Nope. It was a Starbucks. Jenna clicked yes on the RSVP.

She settled into the chaise next to a pile of books she'd put off reading for weeks, reached into the cushions, and pulled out the remote so she could set her mind on chill. Swooping her long brown hair into both hands, she tied it in a hairband and laid back her head.