Othello; Desdemona's side

If only he knew

If only he knew.
It is always easy to pretend to be innocent to those who don't want to accept the truth. It's comical almost. Oh, if only Othello knew that he was right. If only Iago knew how close his clever lies were to the truth. How might my story have ended? Probably not much more different than it did. I would still have died by Othello's hand around my throat strangling me to death, watching as I tried to breath my last breathe and utter my final words. It's a shame those final words were never heard and never will be.
The first time it happened we had finally landed in Cyprus and I invited Cassio into my bed. I didn't know at the time what it would lead to. But I know now that I do not regret anything that occurred. I had loved Othello, don't get me wrong. But he had began to become distant from me and was gone to often. I began to see what we had was dissipating right in front of me, but I guess he didn't. He was always busy! Always governing Cyprus and worrying about war. I felt as though he didn't care for me the way he used to. I began to miss Venice, I missed everything about it. But most of all I missed my father, the luxuries, and comfort that Othello could not give me in Cyprus. I guess I had known what I was getting into when I married Othello but I didn't take the time to realize the extent of my decision. The thing is, I cant even say I married Othello out of spite towards my father. No, I thought that I genuinely loved him. And now I'm here, my soul standing over my lifeless body. I now know that I truly do love him. Othello, the person who just strangled me to death, I love him. Ironic, right? But I honestly can not blame him for what he did though, I brought it upon myself. For while I was missing Venice so dearly, I found comfort in Cassio, strong, brave, handsome, charming Cassio. He was closer to my age. Someone who I had of course seen before, yet never noticed. But he was there for me and adored me the way Othello used to. And silly little me let him in. I felt that he could give me what Othello couldn't, love and affection that I hadn't felt for so long from the man to whom I was married. It was short, nice, and sweet. It made me feel like I was cared for again. But was it worth my death to feel these things again? I could have just as easily gone to Othello and talked to him about the way I felt about our marriage. How I felt that things were falling apart. I know he would have listened and changed things. He would have made me feel more loved. But I had to take advantage of him and run to Cassio.
We had met in secret a few times and each time made me feel more loved and cared for than the last. I began to crave the times that me and Cassio would meet up. But then Iago began to spread the "lies" to Othello. Cassio and I knew that after that it would become dangerous to meet up. I had eyes on me all the time. I knew then that I had to begin pretending to be innocent. It was to easy, Othello believed me for a long while and things began to return to normal. The whole handkerchief thing was truly a mistake. I was walking and didn't realize that I had dropped it and Emilia, stupid, loyal Emilia, picked up my handkerchief and handed it to her husband, who in turn gave it to Cassio. It is funny, while this event gave Othello the final reason to end my life. It also ended my relationship with Cassio. It's great actually, we all kept secrets in Cyprus. Cassio was my secret from Othello, and that grimy slut Bianca was Cassio's secret from me. All that time I devoted myself to Cassio and distanced myself from Othello to find out that Cassio was going behind me the way I did with Othello to spend his nights with Bianca. Now that I know, I feel betrayed by him. I guess I now know how Othello felt about me.
It is now to late to repent for the wrongs I have committed towards Othello for his hands have finally reaped justice on the person who has caused him the most pain. I can not say that I want him to suffer for time and all eternity. Hell, I was guilty for everything that he had blamed me for, though for the wrong reasons. But now, this is my time to save my soul.
"Nobody, I myself. Farewell. Commend me to my kind lord. O, farewell."
-Desdemona