Raining (Camren AU)

Dysfunctional

"I hate you!" It was the twenty seventh time she had said it to her. It was the only thing she could keep track of. She didn't mean to say it, but somehow those words brought her comfort.

"Then why are we still together, Camila? Why are you still holding on to me?!" She's right. Camila is literally holding on to the collar of her leather jacket, creasing it and scratching the fabric with her unkept fingernails. They are disgusting, but she didn't care enough to clean them. That would require care for herself, and if she cared for herself she wouldn't be here in the first place.

"Because...I..." She hesitates on purpose. The brunette takes a deep breath, not looking into her soul windows, which she knew would tear her apart if she even glanced at them.

"You what, Camila?" Her voice was rusted over, like a metal pipe left out in the rain for months on end. Camila felt like she was being beaten with said pipe.

"I...need you." Camila's voice was weak and hoarse, from screaming mostly, and the tears made it incredibly difficult to sound strong. No, she's not crying right now, but her eyes have been consistently watery for the last year. Always on the edge of raining.

Lauren laughs at her. It's that type of laughter that makes putting rope around your neck feel like putting on a diamond necklace. That kind of suicidal laughter.

"Why would I want to be there for someone who hates me?" It is a rational question, one that Camila doesn't know how to answer rationally.

"Because you love me." That doesn't explain anything, but Mila answers her question. She always answer her questions. She knows Lauren at least deserves that.

"No."

It's the type of no that makes the world fall off it's axis. No, you didn't get the job. No, the chemo didn't work. No, I won't marry you, sorry. It's the type of no that breaks hearts. It would break her heart if she had one.

Camila finally glances up at her eyes. That hurt more than her metal pipe voice. There was a glaze of pain in her smaragdos orbs, and Camila knew she didn't mean what she said.

"You don't love me?" It's a semi-rhetorical question that both of them know the answer to.

Her green eyes sigh, signaling the start of the same familiar and mind-numbing cycle.

"You know I love you Camila...but sometimes I wish I didn't." Her voice is softer as it speaks honesty. Camila lies, Lauren tells the truth. It's what keeps them sane. Her eyes thunder again. The truth is the windy current in the oncoming storm.

"But..." She had no intention of saying anything, but she felt she needed to say something.

"Let's take a break." Lauren grabs her wrists and pries her hands off her jacket, and walks out their apartment. She moves quickly before she can change her mind, Camila watching closely as she heads for the door.

Their breaks usually last between three days to a week, and Camila doesn't argue with her on them. She knew how to get Lauren back faster.

Camila rushes to their bedroom, sliding under the bed and pulls out her unorthodox "get Lauren back kit." She takes it to their kitchen table, already devastatingly missing her girlfriend and she hasn't been gone for more than a minute. Camila plunges the syringe into her skin, savoring the moment right before the high, the clear liquid flowing inside her bloodstream smoothly, her body accepting the drug with no problem. She sighs and leans back in her chair, tossing her head back in pleasure. Her perception of the world changed in this moment, her happiness now revolves around this high, she is completely and utterly a slave to it. Her relationship with this drug is dysfunctional, but at this point she likes it more than her relationship with her girlfriend. Camila knows she should have let go of Lauren a long time ago, but she selfishly keeps Lauren in chains. The raven haired girl is a slave to Camila; and Camila is a slave to a syringe.