Thoughts from a heartbreak.

Its just my thoughts not written in any particular way.

I wish I could have saw the things that you saw in me. I saw them when you were with me but now that you're gone I only see that girl's shadow. I can pretend I'm that girl still, but deep down I know the truth. I know that I'm not as beautiful as I was when I was with you, I guess that was just an us thing. I knew that I was happy, I guess that was just an us thing too. I knew that my smile could have lit centuries of towns with just one glance but that left along with you. When we met the first time I lost my mind because somehow I knew. I knew that we were meant to be even if it took forever, but you left and that was okay. I was young and very dumb and just not ready for it. Years later you come back into my life as if the stars had perfectly aligned to match that day. But they hadn't, that day was terrible, that day was the destruction of everything that I had come to know and love. Friendships crushed with words, destroying the world that I had, everything I had. But along with that destruction, came love. That was the remedy for all that was lost. A new world was created and I was happy. It was a pure happiness that I couldn't fake. It was there for almost 7 months and then it was destroyed too. When I was finally comfortable, finally complete that's when it was ruined. Everything and more was taken, for the first time, I could actually feel my heart breaking. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sit down for long periods of time because then I would overwhelm myself with the lost thoughts of you with no where to go. One day you wanted it all again but I couldn't just give that to you. I ignited the fire, I lit the cave of a heart up again. But it wasn't the same, but is it ever really? So I took my small world that I had regained & destroyed it all over again, I ruined myself. And just when I thought I could have someone on my side, I didn't. I was just as empty and alone as my rib cage without a heart inside to keep it warm. Losing you was like losing my damn mind. But I had too, I had to because of reasons that no one can understand. My own reasons, they are for me to have. Instead of talking about how I really felt I slipped my mask on once again, telling everyone that I was "happier this way" and I "needed this time for myself" but that wasn't true. I wanted a love but when you threw it away, you threw my heart along with it. Now my thoughts have somewhat cleared but I'm not okay. I can be doing anything and then suddenly I lose myself in the madness of my mind. When they said heartbreaks were the worst pain I did not expect it to be this severe, I didn't think that it would be this bad. But it is. I keep asking myself "what if I lost the the of my life" and maybe I did, maybe I deserve it. Maybe I deserved it all, all the loss and the pain and the hating myself. Or maybe I needed it to make me stronger, to make me who I am. But don't let this part of my mind fool you. I still won't date, I still won't love, I won't even let it get close, because every time I do, I change my mind, it just doesn't feel right, will it ever? Sometimes, late at night, I contemplate to myself if I should text you or call you and ask how you're doing but I get too scared and erase that thought. Sometimes I want to ask you to get your clothes from my house but I can't figure out how to make my fingers type those words or any words to you. I loved you. And maybe I still do.