Life is something that I cannot wrap my head around. Then again, who really can? Life and death have raised flags and questions since humans could comprehend the thought of it. When did life start? When does it end? What is before life? What's after death? They give you that feeling of dread, awe, and anxiety that you can't quite describe exactly how it feels. Especially not with words. But we can all feel it. The only way we can describe the feeling that we have is to compare it to another time we get it. It's the same feeling in the pit of your stomach and in your chest that you get when you think about time. No, not when you glance at your clock and try to remember that dentist appointment you were late to today because you didn't wake up earlier. No, not realizing that it's been however many years it's been since you were born. It's when you think about what time is. How long it is. When it started. When or if it will stop. What is it?
There. Right there. That feeling. That gut wrenching feeling that makes you want to stop reading this or makes you want to distract yourself from the slightly unnerving thoughts that are slowly coming up.
You can deny that you have that feeling, but it's there. You know it is. As humans, we lie to ourselves about the emotions we feel. Usually, they are small ones. Saying we're doing alright when mentally we feel like breaking down. Saying you like somebody when deep down you wouldn't mind never seeing them again. But sometimes, it's bigger. Ignoring the fact that the very idea of nothing existing, of not experiencing anything ever again, makes your heart skip a beat. And that's okay. It's only a natural thing for humans to avoid the topics that make them feel uncomfortable to bring up. But for those of you that are like me, who love the feeling they get when they think about the questions that drive people to the brink of insanity, embracing discomfort brings a sense of satisfaction.
If you're a religious person, none of this applies to you. If you believe that there is a god out there. If you believe that you will one day sleep on a bed, and pass into a world of beauty and love and understanding, then you probably have never experienced this. At least not when you think of death.
When I think of death, I feel both an overwhelming sense of comfort and also uneasiness. Realize though, that if you are religious, that I do not believe in a heaven or afterlife. So when I think of dying, I think of the end of time. Because there might still be time for others, but I will never experience it. Therefore, time itself would be ending for me. I think of questions that will disturb people once they get into it. Not disturbed in a gory way or disgusting way, but in an unsettling way. Questions like; what happens to me after I die? Do I lose consciousness and all things that make me feel and perceive? Or do I see all black for the rest of eternity? The list goes on and on and on.
It makes me terrified to know that one day, I will no longer experience this life. It scares me, even more, to know that it will happen so quickly. At the same time, however, it makes me feel calm and at ease, somehow. It might just be the thought of no longer having to be conscious. I will no longer have to suffer. That is also a downside though. Along with not suffering, I will not enjoy either. I won't hear music, the trees, birds, water. I will never strum a guitar, or press the keys of a piano again. I will not see the flowers, and sky, and family. I will not smell cakes and meats cooking, or the lavender that grows outside. I won't sing another song, speak another phrase. I will never feel anything, ever again. Not only with my body, but my mind as well.
And there it is again, isn't it? That feeling. You know what I'm talking about. That unknown emotion and response that you're getting from thinking about what I think about is what I love to dwell in.
It's something that we should all take a moment to experience. Or maybe we shouldn't. I am no expert on life, but then again, neither is anybody. Nobody can give you advice, just like I cannot, about life. But to me, I think that you should let yourself feel for once, and dwell, in that feeling.
