Into Smoke

No. 1

     "What is the point of falling in love? To me, it feels like a waste of time. There are so many better things you could do, instead of being head over heels for someone who most likely doesn't care for you back." Hanzo Shimada vented to his brother with closed eyes, trying to keep a level voice as he talked. It was rare when he would open up about his feelings, and even rarer when he would open up to his brother. Genji listened with interest, sitting across from his older brother with wide, curious eyes.

     "I'm assuming my words mean nothing to you. All of your relationships have been fast, but with bursts of emotions." Hanzo sighed and looked down at the wood flooring. "But, with me, it is different. Maybe it isn't but it feels like it. What I feel is wrong and I hate myself for feeling this way." Hanzo said, cringing at his own words. It appeared as if it hurt him to talk.

     Genji frowned at his brother, but it could not be seen due to his mask. "What do you mean by it being wrong, brother? Love is never wrong, not on any level." He argued, strongly believing his statement.

     "I would not say it is wrong if it wasn't wrong, Genji," explained Hanzo seriously, his dark eyes looking up at him once more. They radiated with something Genji couldn't identify. "It is wrong for me to feel this way for a man. Father would never want me to be homosexual, he would shun me from the family name. Do you not realize that, Genji? My feelings - they are a disgrace to the Shimada name!"

     Genji sat there, trying to let Hanzo's freak out lessen before he talked again. There wasn't much for him to say, besides that he didn't believe that being homosexual was wrong. He didn't know much about being gay, since he never bothered to learn much about it, but he would be willingly to learn for his brother. I didn't realize you would get this upset, Hanzo, Genji thought, frowning beneath his mask. You are not looking at the positives of this situation. You are in love, isn't that an amazing thing?

     "Hanzo," sighed Genji, not exactly knowing where to go with this. "You're being pessimistic with this, I hope you realize. There are more positives than negatives, but your eyes are sticking to the negatives." He told his eldest brother, before he brought up his hands and took off the face plate. "Look at me."

     Hanzo stared his brother in the eyes, but said nothing in response.

     "I'm seventy-five percent machine - percent omnic - but I still find joy with what I do. You have it much easier with your current situation. Please, can't you realize how good this actually is? You are in love, some people aren't as lucky as you. Some people will never know what love is like, either with a male or a female." Genji told his brother as sincerely as he could manage with his ruined voice. His eyes were soft with emotion.

     Hanzo shook his head in dismay. He opened his mouth to argue, but shut it before he could say anything. There was nothing more for him to say, or nothing more he wanted to say. Genji sighed when he watched Hanzo pick up his bow and stand up.

     "Can you please try to consider your own happiness? At least this once?" Genji asked, getting off the ground as well. Hanzo already had his back to his brother, his bow fastened on it. "Can you at least promise me that when we part ways? I'm always so worried when we leave each other. I never know what you might do."

     It took Hanzo a bit to respond as he was already walking away. "I don't know. We'll see, I suppose." He responded cynically, as he usually does. There was nothing more for Genji to tell his brother to change his mind, so he backed down.

     I'll see you later, then, brother. Genji thought to himself, taking an alternative route away. Hanzo looked back at his brother before he left, but said nothing else. Genji didn't expect anything, either. This is Hanzo Shimada, the man of few words.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

     The smell of incense and smoke filled Hanzo's small home as he slipped in silently. It was as lonely and quiet as ever, which bothered Hanzo more than usual today. I wish considering my love was an option. Maybe then my house wouldn't be so unlively. He thought, locking the three locks on the door.

     Hanzo started to relax as well as the assassin could. He hung up his boy and quiver on the wall next to a family portrait he found in their old home; everyone in the photo looked so happy, even young Hanzo, who had the most natural smile in Hanzo's life. How I wish I could go back into the past. He thought miserably, untying his black hair.

     Normally, he would be considering a quick shower right now and then, he'd go to sleep; but Hanzo was exhausted mentally. He just wanted to sleep. His mind was running wild with thoughts from what Genji said in their conservation. 'You are in love, some people aren't as lucky as you.' Is what he said, but he doesn't know the truth. I am not lucky, this love is no luck. It is a curse I need to rid myself from.

     Hanzo sat down on his bed - which wasn't that much of a bed, but was more of a glorified cot - and slid off his shirt. He saw his light scars littering his body and frowned in distaste. The sight disgusted him. Besides, even if I am in love... no one could ever love me with the way that I am. I would just end up hurting them. The thoughts kept on coming, and it physically hurt Hanzo. He didn't want to be reminding of his issues every second of his life, but that seems to be his usual life.

     "How unlucky am I..." Hanzo murmured to himself, putting out a few candles with his fingers before he laid down. "... to have fallen for a cowboy?" He said out loud to no one in particular.