When I was younger my father bought me a book that taught you how to draw realistic looking faces. I remember trying so hard to sit down and sketch the faces out on paper but I couldn't and I got so frustrated with myself. No matter how many times I tired I got frustrated. I put the book down eventually after what seemed like the six trillionth try and never really touched the book again. At 8 or 9 I realized that drawing wasn't for me so I continued to play with my dolls and sing at the top of my lungs when my father wasn't home.
In middle school one of the only classes I enjoyed was Orchestra. I played the viola. I remember I was second chair and I encouraged myself to practice everyday. I was going to be in concert instead of intermediate. Maybe if I had stayed in orchestra 7th grade I'd be at The School of The Arts playing in their Orchestra instead of Washington. I really wanted to play for the San Francisco Symphony when I was in middle school or attend Juilliard, but I quit orchestra because I got frustrated with myself and switched to Chorus.
I have this fantasy Journal no one will ever know what I really write about in it but I say this is where I keep my hopes and my dreams that will never come true. When I attended academy I would always be in my own bubble writing. In the morning I'd come to school half an hour early just to sit in the cafeteria and write. [I legit have a prediction in my journal that says a group of students will begin sitting in the cafeteria because of the temperature outside in the morning and guess what I was right bitches you know what I'm talking about] The teachers thought I was doing work but really I was writing. I didn't mind sometimes not talking to someone in class because I was in my own world. An Alternate universe. Writing helps, it calms me. It makes things feel a lot more silent. I like silence. I crave silence. It makes you more aware of your surroundings.
I kinda wish Kira really had a time machine, so I could go back to my 9 year old self a continue to draw or my middle school self and continue to pursue in orchestra. Maybe if I did I wouldn't be the person I am today. Maybe I wouldn't feel so trapped and lost. Maybe I wouldn't feel so alone and angry at the world. Maybe I'd have more empathy and show remorse for others. Maybe I'd have better social skills or you know how to manage money better or make people in my life happier. Maybe I could make myself happy. Like truly happy.
Sadly happiness doesn't last forever.
