I recall being really small and finding the good and beautiful out of everything. The small bugs in the playground at school that the girls would run and scream from, I'd pick up and whisper how they were different but that was okay.
How the rainy days would take away my playtime outside but I'd get that extra minute to try to get them to just notice me. Just a little.
When you're little the small stuff seem so microscopic now, and even at this very moment the bad times yesterday are measly too.
I wish I could have saw it that way then.
Maybe those dark hours at night would seem minuscule, or the countless tears shed would have never fell. But when you're little, the world seems small and big all at the same time. Your world is your home, your family, your friends, and your school. But that is your WHOLE world.
Life begins to fall apart, "how do I even begin to adapt to this change? What did I do? ...why do you hate me?"
Those questions dig deep inside my once 12 year old mind. When your best friend leaves you without a last word, or when your family splits apart and holidays are like a bull ride.
Just thinking about that ride makes you question the future, "will I live after this? Will I be permanently damaged? (More so than I already am.) Will the bull kill me?"
Consequences happen when you're so mentally tired. Anxiety. Fear...Not depression, it wasn't depression. I remember being told specially it wasn't depression and I was a kid... I must've been wrong.
When you're forced into a whole new life it's hard. The floors become egg shells, attempting to walk on them is almost useless. The walls are paper thin, so thin you can hear the hushed voices within talking about you. How everything about you is wrong and everything you do, not matter how hard you try, is just never good enough. You become trapped, no where is safe and the only safe place is your own choices you can make for yourself.
But your own choices are limited, you're only a kid after all and your choices are monitored.
It's hard for me to say I was ever depressed and I try to make myself believe that I wasn't. You'll know when you're in a happier place, I think I know.
I notice more now, more beautiful, like when I was little. I remember when I put glow-in-the-dark-stars on my ceiling. The plastic glows, the plastic. It's really sorta beautiful in its own way. Just like me and just like you.
