I can't

There are many things I cannot do. I can't draw. I can't write. I can't smile properly. Nothing bothers me too much because I'm used to not managing things. Instead of struggling through life while always trying to find something I could do, I just did nothing. I sat on a chair, or laid down, anything really and did nothing. I was usually told I always seemed to be waiting for someone or someone when I did that, which was a lot. When I did nothing I didn't think, nor speak, all I did was look at nothing in particular. I used to like books, they made me laugh and get emotionally invested to all the characters. Those few years where I could just engulf myself in just reading helped. More than I could ever admit, really. Lately the same books, storylines, basically life all around me got awfully transparent. Everyone around me seemed to do and say exactly what I expected them to, all of the pitiful looks and shoulder pats were things I could predict the moment a person walked in.

I knew what they were going to say and just wait for the words to slip out of their lips. "You have clinical depression" "Your family misses you" "Your father is finally out of jail, don't you want to see him" "You haven't communicated with your family in months" "Are you making yourself bleed again?" Most of these came from my mother, and the occasional words of "encouragement" from my sister. It all seemed to pointless. The last sentence was the only one I could feel remotely attached to, as my sister had said it with even more disappointment and worry than I anticipated at first. I noticed that the chair I sat in was completely blood stained and I quirked my brow at the amount of dried off blood. It was the first time I had a reaction to anything in days. My sister noticed it and smiled softly and she carefully took my band and disinfected it. She finally managed to wrap the bandages around my thighs and I tried my hardest to have give her any reaction, to show her the appreciation people are expected to give each other. Years ago such an easy action smiling and saying thanks would be easy, but now it all seemed so tiring and directly useless in every single sense of the word. Instead I pursed my lips and managed to look up at her, we were both staring at one another and by only getting a look she seemed satisfied, so I finally look away.

School seemed like both a dream and a nightmare in my eyes. It was the place I had gotten friends, sure, not that many but friends nonetheless. It was also where everything I had ever felt just suddenly stopped, stopped feeling, mattering, existing in my head. There was not an exact moment that made all that I had built my life of had just gone away in my mind. It all happened gradually but some events engrave themselves in your mind and convince you that were important to shape your future and yourself. Mine was just a couple of years ago. I wasn't something that would shape me as a human being, nor the moment I suddenly just gave up on trying to live life in the brilliant way everyone else did, but I had an epiphany at that exact moment that I convinced myself was the start of a chain of events that ruined my will. 

I was walking home while reading a book that I had just started. I had been so engulfed in reading that my phone or anything else for that matter took up any space in my mind. That was definitively been a mistake, because of course I had gotten an important piece of information from my dearest sister. I had been walking for a couple of minutes, and, despite my mothers constant warnings, or as I dressed it before, nagging, I walked slowly and without concentrating  on my surroundings. I always had to walk past alleyways with drugged up junkies and people much worse, but I had never been important enough to be a target of any sorts so I was never bothered. Since the winter had fully arrived all places were snowed down and the day was so dark, with lamp posts with a functionality worse than my prescribed medication, which was really saying a lot. It was so dark I worried about tripping and drenching my book with melting snow with every step I took, well, that was the least of my worries that night, I assure you. After passing the penultimate alleyway and having frostbite creep its way into my entire face I just wanted to get home at that point, but the exact moment I had decided to pick up my pace I felt a hand sharply pull at my hair.

A man had pinned me down to the snow and just as I tried to fight back i felt a metal object against my temple. I stiffened and exhaled sharply against the snow, by that point my adrenaline kept me from realizing how I felt about the entire situation. I heard him speak my name and I wondered how he had known my name but the moment he raised my body up by my hair and the lamp post shone on his face realization washed through my body. I thought about how I might actually die in that situation which caused me to have the infamous epiphany. I really didn't care. Of course I knew I was obliged to care and so on but I just could not force my body to understand that people are supposed to want to live. I gave up on trying to force those ideals on myself and I just looked at the horrible man directly and waited for all the shit that was going to come.

"How is your sister? Has she moved on from me yet? I assumed not since she got some of her boy toys to try to show me a lesson." He sighed contently while dropping me into the snow again. He looks down at me and smirks at me while stroking my face with his free hand." You see, she just loves me so much, but everyone is forcing her to believe something else," I feel my stomach being pressured by his knee while his eyes made notice of my entire body as if he looked for something, fear, anger possibly but he saw only my eyes staring at him, devoid of emotion. A smile krept on the mans face while he held the gun against me, he began zipping down my coat and I furrowed my brows in confusion before my eyes widened in realization at what would happen. Dying, I had nothing against but I could really not handle getting more pills added to my list of things that made my whole body feel numb, along with my thoughts and emotions.

I clenched my jaw and tried to resist to what he was doing, which barely seemed to have any effects on him. I kicked and punched at him but he had already gotten my coat up and was fumbling with my pants. "Your sister fought less in moments like these, but I guess that was because she was mostly unconscious anyways."The words made me squirm under his gaze and I was beginning to lose will and was about to give in and wait for the end of the horrible torture I knew I would be set up against. Then, as I had thought no one would come to help I heard steps on the ground and, even while never being able to believe in god I prayed, I prayed for him not to notice that someone was coming and shooting me right then and there. He seemed preoccupied with sliding down my pants and raising me up only to push me against the cold buildings. I knew that the whoever it was that had been nearing my location was close so as a final rebellion against the worst man I have ever gotten to know I raised my head slightly and with all the force I had left I hit the Gun with my head. It fell from his hands and I managed to run towards the many voices I had heard and saw a blessed image. My sister with many cops  around her, ready to fire at that awful excuse for a man. I sighed and collapsed right on the spot while hear faint gunshots deep within my subconscious.