last night a woman hung herself across the hall
she had called the suicide hotline a couple weeks ago and the police came then
they made sure she was alright, searched her apartment, and left.
she had saved a package for us in her house a week ago because she didn't trust people and didn't want anybody stealing it
her daughter went to go check on her but couldn't get the door open
so the police knocked on our door, asked if we knew the maintenance, and got the key.
two officers went in, searched the front, then went to the back bedroom.
they came out coughing and sputtering.
she had hung herself in the closet.
my mom and i watched as the police and the fire department cut her down
it smelled. she'd been there for a couple of days.
they found her dog that had escaped and a baby crying in the house.
her name was Catherine and she was in her 60's.
this was a reminder for me, personally that everything i've done, everything that i've been through, everything that i will and wont do could be gone in an instant.
my mom found out about all this, wattpad stuff. she went through my phone after she found out i had instagram secretly. she read foul messages sent to people that i didn't even know. i was ashamed
to everybody i have ever upset or wronged on this stupid website, i am sorry. i am so so sorry. i'm young, far too young and naive. im so sorry.
im now unhappy with the world, unhappy with myself for posting such personal things online, unhappy because of insecurities and faults, generally unhappy.
and even as im typing this i regret talking about myself so much in one setting, and this is not a pity party, this is not "oh look this is whats happened ive been through a lot" type thing, because if it were it wouldve happened way before now.
i was told that i shouldnt talk about myself because i didnt want to be attention seeking or selfish, i rely on others to give me comfort in the world, i depend on their words far more than actions or gestures. i guess this is why i developed such close relationships with people on this site, because we couldn't act or use body language, we developed friendships only on words and promises that "someday we're gonna meet up". because i wanted to see the voice behind the talk, and i wondered if we'd act the same as we did behind a screen.
i've been through hell over the past two months, ive hurt and bled and fought with myself. i said that i needed help and then told myself "what for?" then shut my mouth. because to me, my problems are invalid and worthless, mostly because someone planted the seed that i was uninteresting and dull, somebody said things that mattered to me.
and maybe im completely off here in pinpointing this on one comment and i am, i really am.
it was a bit more than that, i suppose. i feel alone and scared and ive physically hurt myself i know im messed up but i refuse to admit it or talk about it so im forcing myself to do this because god, people care about me i think.
i miss you. so much. i want to talk. i really, really do.
the point is that im fine. im alive. and you read this, and that's enough. i know this was petty and attention seeking, the way i talked about all of this like it was some big celebratory thing. im gonna act like i dont care, but i really do. and im so sorry.
