Undiscovered Story Reviews

Forever Agape

Name of the Author: Livelyleo

Genre: Romance - Tragic

Synopsis: Hurricane got involve at an arrange marriage at the early age of seventeen with the stranger named Hell . They live at the same house and as they deeply know each other, Hurricane fell in love. Would Hell love her back and make everything real? Or would it remain forever agape?

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DISLIKES
I don't want to call it dislikes, but I will consider it the parts that needed more improvement or revisions.

1. CHARACTERS
Let's start with their name first. The name or nickname Heaven is okay. Madami na akong nakasalamuha ng may ganyang pangalan. Hurricane is understandable, but Hell? Let's be realistic. Sinong magulang ang magpapangalan ng Hell sa anak nila? Don't be too overwhelmed when you are giving names to your characters. Be realistic. Another one, please decide whether Hurri would call him Hell or Zander.

Next, characteristics or attitude. Once, Hurri describe Hell as snob. Let's define snob. Sa tagalog, hindi namamansin. Kung hindi ka mahilig mamansin siguradong hindi ka mahilig magsalita. In a short term, man with a few words. But in the duration of that chapter, I didn't found a man with that kind of attitude. Ang nakita ko ay isang lalaking isip bata, masama ang ugali at matapobre. If we are going to create the characteristics of a character we should be careful with the way they talk and their movement. Doon kasi tunay na papasok kung sino talaga sila. Kahit anong sabi na mabait ang isang karakter kung palagi niyang inaaway ang mga tao sa paligid niya, hindi siya makokonsidera bilang mabait ng mga mambabasa.

But I have to commend the character of Hurri, her attitude is not consistent but it is more consistent than Hell's character.

Hurri hates thunder and lightning. Maldita, spoiled, matapobre, bastos sa guro at magulang at ginagamit ang kapangyarihang mayroon siya para makaganti sa kapwa. At least she's always like that.

Third, unbelievable mood swing. Hindi ko maintindihan minsan kung bakit bigla na lang silang nagdadrama. Biglang mag-aaway at biglang magkakaayos.

Fourth, biglang pagsulpot ng mga karakter. When a character is in the same room 'alone' and another character talk. Hindi man lang nagtataka ang unang karakter.

2. VOCABULARY
Read more. Explore more. Palawakin ang mga deskripsyon at mga salitang ginagamit. Example, Yana. Instead of using 'ahihi' you can use the word giggled. Malawak at matalino ang mga mambabasa kaya kapag nilagay mo ang salitang giggled, utak na nila ang gagawa ng paraan na gumawa ng tunog sa imahinasyon nila.

Next, don't capitalize words to emphasize that the character is shouting. Sabi ng isang manunulat, paano mo malalamang baguhan ang isang manunulat? Ang sagot niya, kapag gumagamit siya ng uppercase sa tuwing sumisigaw ang nagsasalita. Pwede kasi tayong gumamit ng mga salita para masabi mong sumisigaw siya. Ang paglalagay lang ng '!' tandang padamdam ay nagbibigay na ng impresyon ng pagsigaw.

[(- -)] zzz [(- -)] zzz

Don't use emoticon. Siguradong naencounter mo na iyan pero bakit ginagawa pa din. Use words to express what you are thinking. Use word to write. Hindi kinder ang nambabasa mo para gumamit ka ng emoticon para mabas nila. Use words. Tell the readers.

Palawakin ang bokabularyo.

3. REPETITIVE LINES
Don't use phrases, lines and words over and over again. Example, "Am I marrying a 5 years old child?", "at iba pa", "Pekyut" and many more. Minsan kasi nawawala ang epekto ng salita kung paulit-ulit mong ginagamit. Parang jokes, kapag inulit-ulit mo hindi na tawa ang sagot ng makakarinig sa'yo kundi irap na.