Giving Life At Chance. #mindovermattercontest

The Beginning

Most people suffer from extreme pain.

And like most I was one of them.

I've got a good life but yet it seems that pain found its way to wrap it's claw around my throat squeezing it tight, drawing blood out with its claws.

I don't exactly know where and how it began but it did. I had always been the smiling kid, loved to play and laugh even when my family was struggling. I was always trying to be the light in everyone's darkness, completely forgetting about my own darkness to tame. 

We didn't have billions of dollars but still we appreciated what little we had. I was cared for, loved.

But to me I felt like all those love was just a temporary filling to fill the pit in my heart. It wasn't the kind of love I should've had in the beginning of my existence. 

I grew up not knowing what it felt like to be loved by a father or a mother.

Not knowing what love feels like from a parent.

I wasn't good enough.

I wasn't the right one.

I wasn't a boy.

So I got abandoned.

Left to live with my grandparents.

I didn't get the chance to be held by my own father, didn't get the chance to experience and create memories with him.

Because I wasn't the one he wanted.

I wasn't a boy so he abandoned me.

I thought maybe it was just him.

But I was wrong.

My own mother left.

Leaving her baby girl with her parents for them to take care.

But I hadn't thought much about it, I was only a kid after all.

By the time I was six she surprised me by coming back. I thought she came back for me. To stay with me and make up for the lost time.

But I was wrong.

She took me away from the little love I had and whisked me to a whole new world.

But I appreciated it. I was thankful that she gave me food, shelter and a better life. But I was still hollowed.

I carried those pain from feeling of not being good enough to a whole new country.

But then the fire grew.

I wanted to give up on life.

I got used to pain that I started to inflict it physically.

Drawing out blood from my body.

And scars to remain.

I got worse.

Time after time everyone left me.

I was alone.

Maybe I was meant to be alone.

There's this voice in my head always whispering that I wasn't good enough.

You don't belong to this world.

Everyone hates you.

Everyone will leave you.

And you are alone. How you're supposed to be.

Your own father didn't even look for you. Didn't even want you.

The voices whisper. I tried to block them but it increase, those whispers had lived in me for so long that I let it got to me.

From scars to medicines.

Then to thoughts of ending my own life.

I kept all these thoughts to myself. Not having the strength to open up to anyone.

It wasn't my fault.

I couldn't bare to trust people anymore when all they've ever done is leave. To misused my trust.

I blamed myself for everything.

And although this contest is meant for a story of how you've over came the pain.

I'm still trying, day by day and night after nights.

Still today I struggle with myself.

Struggle with being good enough.

Still struggling to find the answer of why I'm always abandoned.

But I knowing that I'm trying, gives me satisfaction.

And this is my continuing story.

It may not have been achieved but still I'm trying.