To conquer and prevail

Chapter One

          

Charlie did what she usually never did. She went to the beach. Not imaginary or fake, no to an actual beach. With people and seagulls and sand and the ocean. The big wide open. It was her therapist that urged her to face her fears. Being scared of something meant nothing if you were never confronted with it, she said. You could be terrified of bowling alleys, but if you never went there: what good use was there in that fear. People don't die in bowling alleys, was Charlie's respond. Still, Charlie knew there was a core of truth in the words her therapist said. She would just take her towel, throw on her swimsuit and go. The few yards to the actual beach seemed to take her forever to walk. In her head she must've turned around a thousand times. Back home, in her bed, under the blankets. Put on some sad music and cry for hours. Just until all the liquid has left her body. Her sore eyes, her wet cheeks. She would prefer that scenario over this one. She'd even order some pizza. She would be willing to break diet for this. But she promised her mother she would at least try. Listen to what the therapist had to say. I'm almost 22, Charlie would've responded. Even adults can have mental issues, her mother replied.

Charlie had been working at a diving school that previous summer. She could be found in or around the water all summer. Free of worry. Free of nightmares. It was the summer she lost her virginity to this guy Mark. He said he was in love with her. Charlie knew, he'd been crushing on her for ages. She just wanted to get it done, with her eye set on someone else. When she dumped him, he called her a lesbian. I'd rather be a lesbian than spend another minute in your presence, Charlie replied. She'd laugh it off. She had a lot of admirers that summer. She had a lot of admirers all her life. All in the great before. Before the accident happened. Before her pretty was returned to being just a face. Before she cut of all her hair and painted it bright blue. Turquoise. Her favorite color. Before she had to wear glasses. Before the scars messed up her eyesight. Before she was blind in one eye. Before her passion became her fear. Before her favorite place became hell on earth. Nobody could've predicted it. They went out with the boat Charlie, Ray and Kristof. Just a bit of snorkeling in the open ocean like they always would on Wednesday morning. They got excited when they saw the lone dolphin. The dolphin seemed excited to see them too. Playful at first. Playful until it went berserk on them. She lost more than just a friend that day. Ray got bit so badly he drowned. They didn't find his remains until weeks later. Kristof lost a bunch of fingers and a leg, but he never lost his spirit. Technically Charlie didn't lose anything. She has thick scars across her face and left arm. She's blind in one eye, but she can still see. She has a tremor in her hand which prevented her from the most simplest tasks. She needs help to do so many things. The worst thing was when the doctors said she was fine. All healed. As if she could just go on with her life. As if she didn't lose a friend. As if her spirit wasn't broken. As if she was perfectly healthy. As if the tremor didn't prevent her from fulfilling her dream of becoming a nurse. Her therapist and her doctor talk a lot. But not as much as her mother and her doctor. They all think the tremor is fake. As if she would fake something that makes her life even worse. No honey, it's not your fault, her mother would say. It's just your brain made something up. You just feel guilty.   Charlie would shake her head as if her mother didn't understand anything. But she did. She nailed it right on the head. Her mother got the idea online that it might've developed from the anxiety derived from the accident. So since last November, Charlie has been visiting her therapist once a week. Keeping up a dream diary, which could also be called a nightmare diary. Charlie did it all and now she's doing this. Spend at least an hour on the beach, her therapist said.

So she picks out a spot, a bit secluded. She lays out her towel, puts away her glasses and drops down. Okay. I'm doing this, she thinks to herself. She lays her head down and her awkward position soon forms into something more comfortable. With her spectacle case next to her and her head resting on her backpack.