I've been thinking about suicide lately. Not how I would kill myself, no. The sideffects. How people will feel and how they may cope with the loss of an aqantance. Perhaps how my family will see that this reality has broke me beyond repair.
The past couple days I have been getting hits of happiness and when I almost crack a smile something happens. It's like I can't breath and my insides just turn numb. Meanwhile on the outside the only thing that changes is that my face morphs into a mask. A mask whos only expression is glass covered eyes and a straight line for lips. Every once in a while I try to smile but it is the hardest thing to hold. It's so fricking heavy.
Upon these days, I have successfully completed the list of people I want to be at my funeral. The boy who abused me, I want to be there to show him the outcome of his crime. Also I wish for everyone who looked the other way when he hurt me day after day. Counting the gym teacher, ice pack lady, vise principal, and the sad excuse of a principal. That way they can personally witness the outcome of their wrong doings.
My grade and the others I grew up with, I wish for them not to attend. They never thought I was important enough for to speak to, so when I'm dead it shouldn't change.
I wish for my old 'friends' to not attend. They abandoned me when I needed them the most. My childhood friend who I would have taken a bullet for, said that the boy never hurt me.
However when his fist came to my face she was there and shouted for me to punch him back. I never did, thinking I would get in trouble not him. Sticking to the school book on what to do, I told them. No one lessened exept my mom. By then I was far to damaged to even remember my birth date.
As for family, I wish my immediate family including my half sister would attend. Discluding my aunt, and papa. Whom hurt a loved one of mine which I will never forgive them for. My aunt was at my birth, such a shame she can't be at my funeral. But hey, words hurt.
It's already that part of the semester where I don't look both ways before crossing the street. It's the time where I have to fight my thoughts. Where doing what I feel is right, when it's right, would just mean waiting forever. You don't want to hurt the people that love you, now do you?
So I run from my thoughts but I don't hide. How can you hide from your own demons? But if I somehow pass soon, please use this as my funeral reference.
Until next time! If there is even a next time.
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Beyond Repair | Telus | #RiseAbove
Short StoryI've been thinking about suicide lately. Not me killing myself, no. The sideffects. How people will feel and cope with the loss of an aqantance. Perhaps how my family will see that this reality has broke me beyond repair.
