Dear Alex,
I'm not entirely sure how to start this. Maybe just I miss you? I do. I miss you so goddamn much. I can't really put it into words. I can barely think about you without feeling hollow. It's a weird sensation, and I've never been a poet or good with words like you were but I imagine it as if you took my insides with you and now I'm aching, there's just a empty feeling right behind my ribs where you built a home.
I can't stop thinking about you, and I can't get anything to stop me from it. When I think of you, I just remember this insignificant little memory, one I haven't thought of in years. You're sitting across from me and the cold is whipping through your hair and your hand is lying besides mine and I want to hold it. Oh god, I wanted to hold it so bad and you could tell, and your eyes sorta sparkled and your lips curled just so and placed your fingers over mine, not exactly holding hands, but interlocking our fingers and I wanted that moment to last forever.
And I know that you didn't feel the way I did, I mean, we had something, we always did, we always will. We're parts of the same person and whether that meant we were soul mates, or just two halves of a whole, I always felt some complete when you were with me. But I was, I am, so completely in love with you. I tried to move on, I did, but I'd rather sit here and get only a fraction of what I give you than with someone who gives me their all.
There are nights like tonight though, especially now, where I can't sleep and I can't stop thinking about you. It's one of those nights where I ache for your touch, for something, anything really. Nights where I torture myself with the thoughts of you, and how I'll never have you.
At least then I had a chance.
And you're gone and I'm so confused, I feel empty. When I can get outside these days, I look for you. I look for you in the crummy streets of Baltimore and by the hidden lake we would go to, or I'll pass by Zack or Rian's house and remember. I can't listen to music anymore, do you know that? Every song reminds me of you, even if it's not one of our songs. I just remember you writing your lyrics, with a pen cap in your mouth a focused eyes, you would get so enraptured by melodies and notes and messy words strung together that created something so beautiful.
I keep my guitar locked up in the guest bedroom, and somedays I'll pass by and see it, and a wave of sadness crashes over me. Yesterday, I stood there, just watching the object. It had so many memories attatched to it, from tours, from endless hours of music making. My hands twitched by my sides and I picked up the guitar with shaky hands and played a couple chords, just simple stuff really. And somehow it turned into Remembering Sunday and I just, broke. I cried, I cried the whole goddamn song. I'm so weak.
Now, though? Now, I'm remembering the night Tom died. I was there when your mom called and I watched your eyes well up and your chest visibly deflate and you bit your lip to stop from breaking. After you sat the phone down and looked down at your clasped hands. I put a hand in between your shoulder blades and you squeezed your eyes shut.
"He's-he's gone. Oh my god. Ja-ack." You looked up and you were crying and I just nodded and ran a hand through your hair.
"I'm so sorry Alex. Is there anything I can do?"
"Make me forget."
And so I did, I pulled you close and stared into your eyes and your red cheeks and kissed away the tears. I wrapped my arms around your waist and kissed you until we couldn't breathe, and kissed the rest of your body too. I kissed the dimples of your back and across your thighs, over your hipbones and clavicle, I tried so hard to get you to forget, to drown in me like I was drowning in you.
And I miss your body under mine, but now it's under the ground and I can't feel myself anymore.
-Jack
