Self Hatred is Contagious

The bunker was deadly silent. The lights in the kitchen flickered and Dean didn't know if it was the old wiring or Cas who was causing it.

"I'm sorry, I think I misheard you. You want my memories?"

Cas looked at the ground sheepishly.

"Only the ones of me."

The awkwardness thickened the air in the room and you could pretty much cut the tension with a knife.

"Only the ones of....Cas why would I ever say yes to this? Why are you even suggesting it?" Dean was angry now. He couldn't tell if he was angry because of the suggestion, what was making Cas say this, what Cas was implying or if he was angry because tears were pricking his eyes. Cas snuck a glance up at him, blue eyes reproachful and sad. Dean blinked the tears away.

"I have realised...I have realised that my continued presence with you and your brother has done nothing but put you two in danger. And...And as Claire pointed out, I ruin all the lives I come across." Cas stuttered. He was picking up on the tension in the room now as well and it had him uncomfortable.

"Ruin lives..." Dean parroted, "Cas you brought me back from the dead, you saved both me and Sam on multiple occasions, hell you even killed some of your dick siblings for us." Dean's voice was getting louder now and it was echoing off the bunker walls.

"Yes, but without me, many of my 'dick siblings' wouldn't even have attacked you. And when the order was given to raise you from hell any angel could have done it." Cas's voice was cracking and if Dean didn't know any better then he might say Cas was close to tears.

"You rescued Sam from The Cage,"

"Soulless and an empty shell."

"Cas, No, I'll never let you take my memories of you. What brought this on? Why did you suddenly need to make me forget you." Dean was almost shaking with rage, "And hey, as much as you might have done bad things, you're hardly the worst out of us. I broke the first seal and started the apocalypse, I killed death and set Amara free. Fuck I took on the Mark of Cain."

"Dean..."

"No let me finish, Sam drank demon blood, he broke the last seal, he was off with Ruby for God knows how long while I was in hell. Cas, your brother is shagging mine and if we're being honest he's the worst out of all of us, he killed me one hundred and three times and turned Sam into a car and made us live bad TV. Cas you may have done bad things but compared to Me or compared to Sam or compared to Gabe, you're a saint."

"I broke many of the seals as well Dean," Cas seemed to no longer be fighting off tears but the kitchen light was flickering even more. "And I opened Purgatory and killed many of my siblings."

"Cas," Dean's gaze which had been boring into the top of Cas's head softened. He stepped closer and with his hand, raised Cas's head up so he his green eyes were looking into the blue ones. "No matter what bad things you've done, Me or Sam or Gabriel have done something equally worse. You've done things to forgive your actions and I don't..." Dean's voice broke and he struggled to talk past the lump in his throat. "I don't know what I'd do or where I am without you. Cas." Cas was looking at Dean without any prompting now. "What brought this on?"

" I realised that you and your brother are reckless and impulsive and throw yourselves into danger whenever it suits you. And I realised that if you died. I would loose my most precious thing in this world, the same way Gabriel would if he lost Sam. The most perfect human my father ever created. And...And I would loose the one person I ever fell in love if who stayed by my side no matter what."