Ardent Reverie

you & i.

you & i... or was it?
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T R I G G E R W A R N I N G : This may trigger anxiety or depression. Please read at your own risk, my love.

when the rain pours, i can't stop thinking.

thinking about how pretty those raindrops looked like while they're falling down. thinking about how perfect this weather is for me to read a book while i sip a cup of tea or coffee. thinking about how good it will feel if i danced outside while the rain continuously pours down. thinking about how the rain will feel against my skin if i closed my eyes.

"... you know, i can't stop thinking," i whispered.

"but you also do know that you should stop."

my forehead creased. "what? what do i need to stop? thinking, you mean?"

you looked at me sternly. "yes, you need to stop it."

i scoffed. "are you insane? thinking makes us human. it makes us rationale," i said then i stared outside once again.

"yeah, i know. but too much of it is not good for us."

"how come? i don't think so," i replied while a lightning flashed before my eyes. i kept my mouth shut.

you also said nothing as the thunder roared in the sky. i shivered. it was cold, so so cold. i know i should get my blanket or something that can help me stay warm but i chose not to.

i closed my eyes. there, it was pitch black just like the clouds outside. and then the darkness engulfed me more; i let them. everything zoned out.

i can find solace and peace and comfort with this darkness. it is now my friend, not an enemy. this is one of the times where it becomes welcoming, which makes me feel nice. but i still feel empty. like as if something is missing.

"... hey, wake up," you said.

then, i was pulled back to my consciousness but i kept my eyes shut.

i heard the rain cry louder, like as if it was mourning for someone. i don't know why but i find it very calming. even with the storm raging on, it seems like it's whispering me that it will be alright. that everything will be fine... and i hoped so.

"hey..."

"stop. i'm not asleep," i replied.

"i'm sorry... i'm just afraid that maybe you are," you whispered. i can feel the fear and worry from your voice.

"why? what's wrong with it? we all need sleep, anyways."

"with you... it's different. for i know that you are so tired, completely exhausted. you lack of sleep, because you overthink. you think about what happened earlier and what will happen this day. you also think of what will happen the next days..." you sighed.

"you overwork yourself. you always think about doing the best that you can, in everything. but they made you feel like it's not enough; like you're never enough. never ever enough--"

"wait, hold on for a second. how come you know these things?"

"it seems like you forget that you always tell me things about your day. like how your parents told you again that you should've died while you were just a kid or how they should've just abandoned you," i heard your voice crack like as if you were being choked.