Between if and when

Patrick got bottled on stage. That was three hours ago – Pete measures time in hours since ithappened. In a waiting room it doesn't matter what time it actually is, nobody cares.

Patrick got bottled on stage and when he went down he bashed his head against the edge of the amplifier. He's in the hospital; having surgery because he's bleeding inside his head.

Pete is sitting in the waiting room –sitting and waiting. Patrick's mum is there and so are Andy and Joe. Pete was the last to arrive because his phone died during the day and he didn't get the frantic call from Patrick's mum until he was home.

Since then he counted the tiles on the floor – 417 – and went to the coffee machine – 3 times. And he stared at the walls a lot.

Pete is not sure he should be here. He can't remember the last time he talked to Patrick, probably because it had been month ago. But he can remember that it was ugly, because Pete was so mad about the hiatus and somehow blamed Patrick. He felt betrayed and abandoned and he took it out on him. And Patrick just took it for a while, all the nasty remarks Pete had thrown his way and whenever Pete didn't talk at all and wouldn't even look at him. Until one day Patrick wouldn't take it anymore. There was a lot of shouting and shoving each other and in the end Patrick left and that was the last time Pete saw him or spoke to him.

Patrick might not wake up. The doctor said if he wakes up, if. So he might not. And that's if he pulls through the surgery.

When Pete had been in the hospital Patrick had been there the whole time. And Pete had been glad to see him, when he woke up. He's not so sure Patrick will feel the same.

Four hours after it happened Joe gets up to get some coffee – real coffee, not the pisswater they sell here - because it's the middle of the night and they're all tired. Andy leaves to get Patrick's mum something to eat.

Pete stays and waits, he's not hungry and he can't sleep anyway. There are two other people in the waiting room, an older man and a woman in her early thirties. They don't talk, they just wait, too.

The walls are accented with pictures of flower fields and on one wall a clock is ticking away the time. The floor is squeaking whenever someone walks past the waiting room and the whole place got the typical hospital smell.

Patrick's mum had been crying, Pete hadn't. He's not sure why not, he feels like he should cry. Patrick might not wake up. He can't really understand that concept.

It's five hours after it happened when a doctor steps into the waiting room. He wears a surgical mask, which he pulls down to speak to Patrick's mum.

Pete only barely catches what he says. The surgery went well; they're waiting for Patrick to wake up now, which could take a while. He says they could see him now, so Patrick's mum follows the doctor out of the waiting room.

Pete stays. It's like he can't move. She calls his name when she notices and they share a look, but then she goes on without him, to sit with her son.

It feels like another hour passed when he finally stands up and starts to walk towards Patrick's room, but it was only a few minutes. Everything seems slowed down and moving too fast at the same time.

The door is closed and he knocks two times before he quietly opens the door. Patrick's mum sits on a chair next to the hospital bed where Patrick lies.

Pete stops in the doorway when his gaze falls on Patrick. His skin looks even paler than usually – with his bleached hair and the harsh light and the stark white bedspread. There's a bandage on his forehead, probably where the bottle hit him. He's got a tube around his neck and going into his nose to help him breath and the machine next to the bed is making faint mechanical noises with every rise and fall of Patrick's chest. There's probably a bandage on the back of his head, too, where he bashed it against the amplifier.

Pete wonders if they had to shave his hair off there; probably, at least partly. He looks breakable. As if his body will crumble to dust when Pete touches him. Which is ridiculous, because his mum is holding his hand just fine. And the fact that it is totally not possible to crumble to dust just like that.

Without making a sound, not even a squeaking on the floor, Pete moves to the other side of Patrick's bed, sitting down in another uncomfortable chair. Andy and Joe are still not back.

Between the hours five and six after it happened, everything is quiet. Patrick keeps breathing and his mum and Pete keep waiting.

Six hours after it happened Patrick's heart stops beating.

Everything gets blurry, there's a loud alarm sounding through the room and outside in the hall, people – nurses and two doctors – come running into the room. They push Patrick's mum and Pete outside the room. Before the door closes he can see one of the doctors rhythmically pressing against Patrick's chest, trying to keep his heart beating. Then he can't see inside anymore. Patrick's mum is crying again – Pete still doesn't - and grips Pete's arm so hard it should hurt, but it doesn't. Joe and Andy come running, drinks and food in their hands, but they drop it carelessly when they come close enough to see their faces.

Pete turns away, stumbles a few feet down the corridor and then he's throwing up, right in the middle of the hall. Strong arms grip him when he's almost toppling over, Andy helping him stand and not fall down into his own vomit. He throws up one more time, his eyes shut tight.

Its an eternity later when the door opens again and the doctors step out. They got him back, they say, but they lost him for a minute. A whole minute.

It's not even a minute later when Pete leaves the hospital. He can't keep sitting there, waiting. It's driving him crazy. He gets to his car and into the driver's seat but he never leaves the parking lot.

Between the hours six and eight he sits in his car, hands gripping the steering wheel tightly. He saw Joe standing on the passenger side at one point, not getting in, just looking at him through the window. But after a while he went back inside.

What if he doesn't wake up again? What if the last word he ever said to Patrick were something hurtful? Something he didn't even mean and he should never have said in the first place? This is not how it's supposed to be.

And why isn't he crying? He cried when Hemmingway ate the chocolate Pete carelessly left on the table and he had to rush with him to the vet. He even cries whenever he watches a sad movie. Fucking Click had him bawl his eyes out.

It's nine hours after it happened when Pete leaves his car and goes back to Patrick's room. Joe and Andy are standing on either side of the door, as if standing guard for Patrick. They exchange nods and Pete grips Andy's shoulder tight as he passes him.

Patrick is still lying in his bed, sheets rumpled now, not conscious. Nothing changed really, so you would never know that they almost lost him.

Between the hours of nine and twenty after it happened Pete reached the end of what he can take. In his head he played through every scenario he can imagine – good or bad, but mostly bad.

Patrick's mum is sleeping sitting up in her chair, her grip on Patrick's hand lost somewhere between worrying and falling asleep. Joe and Andy went home to catch some sleep but promised to be back. They wanted for Pete to do the same, but Pete refused. He's dead tired, but he just can't sleep. Maybe he will never sleep again unless Patrick wakes up. He hasn't yet, but he's not dead either. Just breathing and hopefully getting better. A few times Pete slumps forward a little, almost falling asleep, only to jerk his head up again, eyes searching Patrick's face for any change.

Twenty-one hours after it happened and thirty-six hours after Pete last slept a full night's sleep, Patrick opens his eyes.

Pete doesn't see it, the moment his eyes open, but he sees it when a hand shakily reaches out from where it lay before on the bed, towards him. Although Patrick's eyes look a little unfocused and glazed over, he holds Pete's gaze. Pete's hand is shaking, too, when he laces their fingers together.

"I'm sorry!" Pete says. His voice is rough and comes out barely audible.

Patrick holds on tight for a moment and then his eyes fall shut again. He's fast asleep before Pete can say anything more, but he's clutching Pete's hand tight, not ever letting go. Pete just stays there and watches him and then he cries.

They will figure the rest out when Patrick wakes up.