A depressed allusion

Today is just another day of high school. A place where people want to kill themselves over dumb crap that our school system gives to us. To study, to struggle, and hope to live and see another day, without suiciding ourselves over it.

    I'm not so much different. My name is Dawn Condom. I'm 18 going​ to Cumming high school. And yeah I know, what an unfortunate last name paired up with such an unfortunate high school name.  damn.

    Anyway, i’m just going to say this flat out, right now. I have been having suicidal thoughts recently, as a result of my depression. I've been having this sort of thing for over 4 years now.

    I have no idea why I have this, but I just do. It just, makes me feel like I do not belong with the rest of the world.  

    That I'm all alone, that no one would ever want to, be friends with me. Almost as if that I would want to be invisible to the rest of earth.

    Though people would acknowledge my existence at times (which I'm ok with). But most of the time, I apparently would want to seem non-existent. Non existent in which people wouldn't want to talk to me.

    It's ok, but not ok at the same time. There must be something wrong with me that allows me to be like this. But I can't find it. Am I really just that shitty? Or am I not, and I just have that mindset which wants me to drive People away from me? I don't know anymore... I'm a mess. And so, confusing! And it's making me mentally break down a lot. So much, that I'm just thinking about ending it all. Pulling the trigger and blam! Dead. Nothing more, and nothing less.

    If only I could end this sort of thing some other way, but I can't. I have many medications on me, along with countless therapy trips. And no good. I should have gotten better but I haven't. And school just makes me want to vomit! So much to do with so much time. But all of that crap is so boring to do! I can't bring myself to do it!

    Speaking of which, The first bell rang as I was daydreaming in the corner of the library, and that means I'm off to my first period. Math. UGH! I hate math! And Why is it so Fucking early!? 7 am. Shit… so, I'm mentally breaking down right now. What a Great start to my day!

    I walk in and sit down in my seat, pulling out my diary to write in. But before I can even get my pen out, my eyes glimmer to the steamy sight of a cute boy!

    Woah! Did I just suddenly get this wave of affection for someone? I barely even know him! Nonetheless, I don't get attracted to anyone, and just now after I mentally broke down five minutes ago, I just may have spot the love of my life!?

    I look at him again, only to notice his eyes lock mine! Oh shit! Cover your face with your book Dawn!

    Oh no. Why would I blush and hide my face from him? Do I really like HIM? Well, if love at first sight is true, then so be it.

    I take another look at him. He looks confused. Like, he's probably new to this school. (Yeah, way to realize the obvious).

    But then, he walks over and has a seat next to me. Holy crap! This is crazy, my first crush in forever is going to walk over and sit next to me! WOW. I'm so Fucking white.

     “Hey! I uh, caught you staring. My name is Alejandro hardnendez.  You?” Ok, he just asked me for my name, play it cool! PLAY. IT. COOL. “My name is Dawn condom!” “Well, it's nice to meet you.” FUCK! FUCKING BULLSHIT! WHY THE FUCK WOULD I SAY MY INCREDIBLY EMBARRASSING LAST FUCKING NAME!? AAHH! I attempt to hid my deep regrets, like I usually do everyday. But this time, IT MATTERS!

    “Thanks” I reply back. “Who knew I could get to talk to such a pretty girl like you?” Pretty? Did he really just say that? The only thing that I find pretty about myself is. Well nothing. I'm ugly. My eyes are small, my waist is huge, and I have tons of cellulite that I have to hid every day and it's 85 degrees out right now, and I'm wearing pants and a long sleeve shirt with a kitten on it. Now, why a long sleeve shirt? To hid my scars of course! Because if anyone found out, then I would actually be cared about, and I don't want that. But maybe now I do.