My eyes were trained on the wet wood chips that were spread on ground where the playground used to stand. Now it was just undeveloped land, which seemed ironic to me. A place that one caused joy and happiness, now deserted and lifeless, somewhat of a inside joke with the world and I. It paralled our relationship, Luke and I, once full of love and now nothing but empty space.
His beanie lay in my hand, the edges frayed slightly and a few stains on it. I would be lying if I didn't admit to wearing it a few times, I tell myself that it's because it is a nice beanie, but I know why I wear it. Anything to keep me close to Luke, to hold on to the one shred of our relationship that wasn't tainted. This beanie was a beginning, the beginning to a troubled relationship that led to heartbreak, but a beginning all the same.
The green bench that I sat on was wet from the dewy morning, the dedication to a Mrs Sheehan covered in the tiny water droplets that lay in a blanket across the whole area. The morning air was still, void of any birds or beams of sunlight. The sky, a light blue, had yet to allow the sun to enter its premises. I had woken up early, my anxiety keeping me up much of the night.
It had been a year, a year of travelling, school, and hearing She Looks So Perfect playing on the radio. Its hard to get over someone that is constantly in the public eye. Every tabloid magazine, youtube video, poster, radio appearence, tv reference is like a slap in the face. I still felt anger towards Luke, after what he had done to me, but it had dulled in the passing months. I would always be angry at him, for wasting a year that we could have been together for the night of pleasure with another girl.
My hair fell in my eyes as i looked down at the beanie, inspecting the neatly written name on the tag,
"Luke Hemmings"I read quietly, his name passing my lips like a forbidden curse.
His name was no foreigner to my lips, having woken up many times with tears in my eyes, reciting his name like an incantation. I wasn't sure if I was going crazy or if I just hadn't gotten over the boy.
"I believe thats me"Whispered a low voice from in front of me.
At first, I didn't move, I just stared at the scuffed up black vans that stood in front of me. I didn't think he'd come, espescially so early in the day. Slowly, I raised my head, taking him in inch by inch. The long, thin, toned legs that I remembered, clad in torn jeans that were way too skinny. Slowly, I examined his chest and shoulders, broader and more defined than I remember. His arms were muscled and toned, unlike the lanky teenage boy I was used to. He'd changed, we both had, though his was more physical. Finally, I reached his face, plump pink lips, a stubbly saw, and the lively blue eyes that never failed to put me in a trance.
"Hey, Miss Jackson"He whispered, his lips stretching into a smile that I could only place as joy.
Was he as happy to see me as I was him? Happy wouldn't suffice, more like overjoyed. I'd yearned for this boy for months, dreams about him waking me in a cold sweat, searching for the body in bed next to me that wasn't there.
"Hemmings"I responded, my voice tight.
Our eyes met and I could swear that there was a touch of saddness in his eyes. Undoutably it was my appearance, dull eyes, frizzy hair, spotty skin...our being apart had taken a toll on me. I regretted my descision to wait a year every day, thought I owed it to myself, to Luke, and to anyone we'd hurt with our relationship, to keep my promise. Bile rose in the back of my throat, putting a sour flavor in my mouth. No, I commanded, I will not be sick.
"I'm sorry, Leanne"He blurted,"I'm sorry for what I did, for how I acted, for every stupid word that came out of my mouth, I am sorry"Luke spoke, his eyes franctically darting around my face for any hint of emotion,"I-I don't know why I did it, maybe I felt alone, or I just needed someone. You were so closed off after your dad...an-and I just needed someone to help me too"He whispered, each word pulling the knot in my stomach tighter.
"Luke"I whispered, slowly shaking my head, trying to get him to stop this frantic tyrade. I couldn't take this from him, the endless apologies and the pleading, I'd waited a year and I wanted no more. Yet, his voice continued, more pleas of forgiveness and apologies until his voice grew rough
"Lucas!"I shouted, my voice reverberating throughout the park, silencing the boy who had grown to be more than a head taller than me,"Please, stop talking"I asked, rubbing circles into my temples,"I'm done with all this"I said, motioning between us,"I just want to know what we are going to do and get it done. I am through with all this drama"I stated, my eyes holding his
Slowly he reached out, sliding the beanie out of my grasp and looking down at it, running his fingers over it,"I missed this beanie..."He whispered, his voice so low that I knew he was speaking more for himself than for me,"I missed you"Luke mumbled, gently taking my hand and placing the beanie back into my grasp,"I can't tell you what we're going to do...I don't know, but who can? I just want to be near you, Miss Jackson"
My breathing slowed, the sounds of the world waking up around us the only alert that we weren't standing still in time. He was right, we couldn't predict what was going to happen, all we could do was keep on going, hoping for a reprieve. Luke had always been thoughtful, absolutely stupid, but thoughtful. I wanted the security of the future, something that I would never be able to have.
"Fine"I responded, nodding as I slid the beanie over my hair,"We can do that"
A slow smile spread across his lips, something that soon took over his entire face, lightining up the grew Saturday morning. The sun hadn't risen for the rest of the world, but for me its warm rays were shining over me. This boy was my sun, the center of my universe, he always was. Letting him go after all this time, it would be like a never ending eclipse. I might find love again, but nothing as pure as this. I could never touch him again and still be happy with just his presence. I fallen victim to loving him, with his gangly legs, upturned nose and bright eyes
As if reading my mind Luke mumbled a sentence that I still remember, even to this day,"Miss Jackson, I will always be your vitcim"
With an air of finality, his calloused hand took mine, sliding his fingers between mine like long lost puzzle pieces finally fitting together. Slowly, while taking in the sleeping scenery around us, we walked from the playground. There's something beautiful and tragic out fallout, something that's difficult to describe, but definitly present. Its was our lowest point, our rock bottom, and from there we could only go up.
