My Eulogy, An Anthology

I'm Fine, Nothing I Can't Manage

As I wear my wristwatch and my baller;

Getting started, preparing, getting ready to holler.

It's my daily routine, to get myself clean. A flow I've been doing for years.

Even if I'm still in the bathroom I can already hear the noises echo in my ears.

This is fine, I say, I'm fine, ain't nothing I can't manage.

Got in the table, ate my breakfast and drank my coffee;

Checked the time, left the house to let them be.

To be honest I've got nowhere else to go.

Should I get back in? Visit the park, go to the mall? Anywhere. Should I stay or should I go?

Then my phone rang and the notification sang.

"Bud, need your help, I'm suicidal"

I responded with sure bud, on the way. Prepare for my arrival.

Cheered the brother up while cheering and wasting our livers over a couple of liquors while hearing the cheers of the rest of the gang while we hang.

A little tipsy when I got home, went straight to my room.

To end the day I turned on the lukewarm water;

Washed my face, brushed my teeth and talked to the mirror.

What an exhausting day, I say. But hey, "I'm okay, nothing I can't manage."

That's been my life for years, listening to screams so loud even a deaf hears. Helping people out and giving them cheers, making them laugh till the smile reach their ears. Being that person who will stick around when you cry to wipe your tears.

Because despite my personal issue, I insisted to push through;

To help everyone that matters to me get up when they are down.

Down I pushed my problems down to let them drown;

And not even once did I frown.

I will be that buddy, that friend, who will stick around till the end.

Because I got my problems, sure, but I'm fine, nothing I can't manage.

But then one night I drown.

I can't handle it, I broke down.

Alone at home I did frown.

In the darkness I did something;

Something I never thought I'd do

It happened fast and swift, there's no turning back, to.

For a moment, adrenaline was rushing.

As I fell asleep I felt like I was drowning.

For a moment I wasn't fine. It was a moment I can't manage.

And the next morning as I woke up. Got out of my sheets and stood up and I felt like something's up.

I turned the faucet, started my routine to get myself clean.

Turned off the water, got my watch and my baller, to prepare and get ready to holler.

I sat down and realize the something that was up.

Something hurts. A sudden sting of pain bursts. I flinched in fright. Why? What's wrong? Oh yeah, that's right. This was the result of the thing I did last night.

Because underneath the baller I hid;

Hid the evidence of what happened last night, right?

When I mocked death with a stunt;

Stunt that will soon haunt;

Haunt me for the rest of my life;

Life that I almost took for granted;

Granted that underneath this baller is a mark;

Mark that will show the world how I cut;

Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut my skin as the stroke got swifter and the marks got deeper while the blood turned redder.

I broke down to the point where I questioned my existence and well in my defense.

I needed to feel pain, to see if I'm alive. For it became the force that gave me the drive that lead me to dive.

Dive to the pleasures of pain and let the emotion reign.

Now. Wow. How ironic that I found the real warmth touch of living in the fake cold dying kiss of a blade.

It's because for so long, I acted too strong.

Being the friend;

The comic relief, the one that's always supposed to be happy;

Always smiling, making people laugh by trying to be funny.

The one who will always be by your side to catch you if you fall;

The grounding friend, the supporting actor, the father friend, the guardian, the wall.

"That friend"

Always acting tough and rough even if I'm already tired of acting strong for too long. I'm fine, nothing I can't manage.

Even if I actually, already lost;

Lost this bloody battle. This bloody battle, my personal hell;

That for so long I fought.

Anger. Fear. High functioning Depression. Anxiety;

All those scary, deep rooted painful misery.

Trying to keep them all at bay. But hey! At the end of the day, I'd still tell you I'm okay.

Even if I'm not and you will never know. It's okay. Because even if I'm not okay, at the end of the day, you'd still hear me say. I'm okay. I'm fine, nothing I can't manage.