My Sisters Shadow (Anorexia and Depression Story)

My sisters shadow

I was alone. Again. My eyes fluttered open as I orientated myself with my surroundings. The dusty wooden dresser held the different shaped perfume bottles which made me smell the mixture of Vanilla and Caramel. The white doors to my neatly orded walk in wardrobe, were half open and worn clothes were scattered on the floor as they’re been carelessly been tossed down. I sat up. I was about to turn as I winced at the pain in my head. The hot pink duvet covers were crumpled around my body as I had tossed and turned in my sleep. Another nightmare. Again. It was the day again. The day everything went wrong. The day Alison became Head Injured. I remember it as clear as day. The sweet smell of the bakey. The sound of the cars and buses with roared past. The thinness of my sisters body. The word that caused the accident.

Anorexia.

That poisous word caused the real Alison to turn into some kind of beast with a skeleton body and the face of my sister.

But that was 4 months ago now. And she is slowly recovering. But now she has a different disease. On the 3rd of July 2010 Alison West was diagnosed with a memory specific head injury. She cannot use any use of her legs – she is paralysed and is bound to a wheelchair. She suffers from some memory loss about relatives and friends and cannot use her left side of her body. And I blame myself for it. She is slowly recovering over her Anorexia as she has to be fed constantly by a nurse.  Finally some fat is going back onto those brittle bones. After being airlifted to the Birmingham children’s emergency hospital she stayed in an Acoma for many weeks. I remember the sound of my mother’s slow but deep sobs every night as I lay still in my bed trying to get to sleep. But nothing helped me rest. I spent many hours in the hospital at her side. Holding her hand. Asking if she could hear my words I gently spoke to her. But nothing worked. She was still. Like a dead body. Then only thing keeping me from believing she was dead was the gentle rise and fall of her stomach. But I liked the feeling when I was around her. It felt like when toddlers, running around the garden holding water buckets in the heat of summer. It was silent in the hospital which gave me hours to think and get lost in my thoughts. The only sound would be of the machine keeping her alive.

My eyes fluttered open. I must have fallen asleep again. I rubbed my head from where the pain occurred as I felt a small lump at the side of my head. Must have been caused when not this fell by Ali’s body... not again.  My body ached as I eased myself out of my bed as I stumbled toward the window where light was bleeding in through the sides of my curtains. Slowly I moved it back. The light flooded back into my room and I quickly shut the curtains. I hate summer I thought. Downstairs a small bang from the front door made me re-open the curtains. My mother leaving to see Alison. Again.  She always thought I was the ‘golden girl’. I’m not now. I never was. Alison just thought I was, but she was blinded by her disease. Everyone was against her. I looked at my reflection.  I looked terrible. Black bangs were under my eyes and my blond highlights were growing out – my natural darker hair was seeping though. My phone buzzed from underneath a pile of books which were scattered carelessly over my desk. I picked it up.

Meet you at the front gates babes

Love ya Ems xoxox

 I started blankly at the phone. Who was ems? I started again. Ems? I didn’t know who this girl was or why she was texting me. The front gates of what? It was like the penny dropped. School. Glaring at the clock on the side – 8:16am.  I had 15 mins before school started. Crap. I threw the phone in my bag; put on my school clothes I quickly gathered today’s books into my rucksack, put my headphones in m ears and headed downstairs and out the door. Without breakfast.

As I walked along the pavements but mind was in another world. It was like it was cut off from this world and I was just in a bubble. Loud emo rock music was blasting through my ears but I just blanked it out. Until I saw the road. The road where she was hit. I paused ripping out the music from my ears and just starring at the road. She was 2/3 rd across when the lorry hit her. I remember the scream that escaped from my mouth. Tears began to flood to my eyes and I had to blink constantly to get rid of them. I would not cry. My eyes began to ache from where I would cry myself to sleep every night. I looked around. Other younger school children were passing me whispering quietly about me. I could tell. So I threw in my headphones and speed walked to school. Making sure no tears escaped my eyes.