Hers

Jaded

I had lived my high school career in the background, like a whisper in the crowd that goes unnoticed. I went to bed at a decent hour, prided myself on my grades, never went out to "raging" parties, and kept myself out of trouble. I told myself that I would do all of that in college. That college was going to be when I finally broke free of this awkward cocoon and spread my wings for the very first time. It was a lie that I started to believe. As soon as I graduated, I packed up my things and took off for college out of state. I believed that the distance would help me, but I struggled to find my footing on the slippery slope I had found myself on. So I ended up back home, in my old room, attending the local state college that wasn't too far from my parents house.

I'm not ashamed to admit that I feel lost. That when the professor talks, all I can think about is what do I want to do with my life after this is all over. And the answer to this? I have no fucking idea. I let the thought run rampant and wrap itself around my brain until I got lost in the deep depths of my own mind. It made me question everything I had done leading up to this moment. Like maybe along the way I fucked something up and my whole future shifted. Or maybe it was because I did nothing at all.

I was and still am the girl I wanted to leave behind in high school. And that scares me because it's hard for me to see a future for myself. I can't imagine getting married or anyone even wanting to marry me in the first place. Having sex with someone even though now I know I'm probably going to end up being the forty year old virgin that lives with six cats and everyone thinks is off her rockers.

I can feel the vibes I give off. They're the kind that tell people to keep their distance because if they walked up to me I wouldn't know what to say. I've played some scenarios in my head about a dozen times trying to think of what I would do. I never used to be like this you know. Sometime between middle school and high school I lost the confidence and the outgoing personality I used to have. Now I can't even look at some people when I walk past them, afraid that they'll try to talk to me and my awkward self would make a very dramatic appearance.

My friend group is very limited these days. I have one that I talk to often and one that I wished I'd talk to more. We used be inseparable at one point in time and now when I see her I feel like we're strangers. It's makes me sad when I see her post on social media and I'm not there with her. Time can really fuck things up, huh? I somehow relate it to a car crash. One minute everything is fine and the next thing you know your car has flipped three times and lays in the ditch on the side of the road. Not my best analogy I know but you get the idea. Change is the inevitable truth and if you don't change with it you'll struggle to ever change at all.

A lesson I have a hard time learning.

I felt a light tap on my shoulder that seemed to bring me crashing back to reality. Shaking my head, I looked up through blurry eyes to find my professor staring at me. "Olivia, class is over."

I shook my head again trying to shake out the rest of the cobwebs. "Oh...yeah..right, thanks." My legs were heavy, but I managed to pull myself from my seat and leave the room before students from the next class shuffled their way in. Again I kept my head low, trying to avoid as little eye contact with people as possible. My steps were quick and I was careful not to bump into anyone on the way out.

Then the next thing I know the books I had been carrying were knocked out of my hands, sprawled out before me and I was on the ground along with them. It all happened so suddenly that I don't even know if my brain had enough time to process what was even happening. It wasn't until I heard a voice mutter the word shit that I broke free from this foggy trance.

A guy around my age was grabbing at the books, piling them into one arm quickly, before his gaze turned to mine and he held out the arm that was free in front of me. I was caught by gesture somehow, my arms wouldn't move and I'm sure I was staring at it horrified. Somehow I managed to break myself out of my stupor and grabbed his hand, trying to ignore the slight tingle that ran up my arm. He helped me up off the ground and for the first time I looked at his face.