I'm growing tired of you avoiding our problems. You running towards technology as an escape from reality. I'm not reality, I'm supposed to be your partner. I tell you constantly how I feel, repeated 3-4-5 times a day; as you say. Maybe it's not me. I'm not "coming up with problems" it's your lack of trying to solve them and help grow our relationship. It's your need/desire to stay self-centered. Only being kind out of self interest. You say you love me you try again and again to prove your words. You say " you never point my good actions out, only the bad ones. You never appreciate me and how I have changed." I do notice but I don't comment so I apologize; I appreciate you. Mostly I realize you say that you value me - but do not show it. Will it take me walking away? Will it take screaming the last bit of love and patience that I have to have you realize my feelings? This relationship is a lie as are your promises. The promises you give everyday , just to forget and dismiss as the time to fulfill comes around. You are an adult but all you do is sit at home with video games, distractions, and childish mentality. You are all thee things I've never wanted and everything I've ever asked for in one. You pull the "I'm sorry that I'm not good enough" card so many times that my brain can't handle hearing it. You cry for pity and then minutes later instead of fixing our issues - distract yourself from me. You turn your back to me and call it love only to come to me confused hours later whenever I'm still upset with you. You find reasons to ignore me, to find ways to distract me from your issues. I came into this relationship sane. It's not even been a few months and I'm at my wits end. I tell you time again 'this is the last straw' but you cry , begging for a chance. Once given - nothing changes. You are wasting my time, wasting my effort, but worst of all you are wasting my love. There are so many ways I could tell you that I'm sorry for not being important enough to convince you to grow and change, to mature. Yet you never do - you never listen to me unless it's positive. I came into this relationship a put together woman and each day you break me without realizing the mental scars and the damage that you had left behind. As I type this unsaid message to you within arms reach behind you you're on your video game and talking to friends. You notice my sniffles as well as my pain, you feed off of them seemingly. There is nothing about you that is not toxic and I'm writing this message knowing I will never have the confidence to show you - to tell you that you're hurting me. I'm tired of you telling me that we will be fine in the long run because we will not be. I tried to leave you so many times only to have been sat down and coaxed into staying. Staying turned into talking, talking turned into crying, crying turned into comforting, and comforting turned into kissing, etc. and so forth. You keep me for my wasted effort and to fill your own voids. Yet I can't bring myself to leave you and your golden boy act. I cry as I type this message, typing my thoughts and my emotions to you only to not be known. You do not know who I am. You do not know what I like, my hobbies. You don't even know how to spell my first name. I've been warned that love is hard but I know that this is not love. This relationship is you using me to fill time, to have temporary happiness.. you depend on me to keep you happy and I can't help you. Whenever I grow tired of helping you, you turn your back to me and escape back into anti-reality. You kill me slowly, softly, defiantly. As I type this you got up, excused yourself from your friends, looked back to see me crying and left the room with a straight face as if nothing happened. When you came back you brought me your kitten and turned back to your game. You do not care as you say, it's obvious. My heart and head hurts to know I'm throwing all of this to you without you ever reading this. Unrequited feelings are the worst.
