Breathe

5th May 2018

I just got back from the hospital; I've been diagnosed with Crohn's Disease...
You probably haven't heard of it, not many people have...  that's what makes it so hard, you see, nobody understands.

This is Google's definition, in case you were wondering what it is;
'Crohn's disease is a type of inflammatory bowel disease (IBD) that may affect any part of the gastrointestinal tract from mouth to anus. Signs and symptoms often include abdominal pain, diarrhea (which may be bloody if inflammation is severe), fever, and weight loss'

Sounds fun, right? No, didn't think so. At least I've got a diagnosis, the last 18 months of tests and scans and doctors appointments and numerous trips to hospitals have been so tiring, stressful, and just annoying.

6 weeks, no food.
That's my treatment; a six week liquid diet. I'm already dreading it, having to sit there every day drinking a stupid milkshake while everybody else enjoys their actual food. Ugh...

14 WEEKS LATER

Can I please erase the last 10 weeks of my life???? I did the 6 week thing, and it was pure torture, I even had to go to my friends barbecue. BARBECUE. Where they ate my favourites foods while I desperately tried to hold the faucet in my eyes from turning on, sitting in the corner of a full yet seemingly empty room, drinking my special milkshake.

And now, guess what? It didn't work. Six weeks of my life that I will never forget, that felt like I was being punished everyday, that drove me to the very edge of sanity, and it didn't work. I'm still crippled on the floor every day in pain, begging my parents to make it stop.

I'm only 12 years old, and I just can't deal with this. I cannot deal with the fact I will have this pain for the rest of my life. I cannot deal with the fact I will most likely spend the rest of my life on different medications. And I cannot deal with the fact that this has completely changed my life.

I know what you're thinking, people are dying out there or starving or whatever and I'm actually have it easy in comparison. But at 12 years of age, that's not what you think. You don't look at your life in comparison to anyone else's, you look at your life as how you see it and you feel at the exact moment in time.

Sometimes, when I sit and think about this... this illness... I have to wonder 'why me? What on earth did I do to deserve this? Why am I being punished for the rest of my life?'
I just feel suffocated.
I just can't... breathe.