Sorry (#LoveSimon)

Sorry

Dear World:

I am sorry to disappoint you... I am not a girl. I am not a boy. I am somewhere in between, somewhere on the spectrum of the wonderful colors of the rainbow. I am sorry if I am not who I seem. I am sorry if I am different than you expected. I have spent a long time lying awake in bed, wondering if I was just crazy, wondering if anyone would accept me. I am not the most confident person, nor the most outspoken. My eyes have dried from all of the tears of self doubt.

I hid it away until a year later, when all of a sudden, I feebly blurted out a question to my sister.  How do you know who you are? How do you know that you are a girl?

I wanted answers. I wanted to know. And I cried and cried that night, still not knowing the answers. Well apparently, the sadness showed through to the next day, because my friend asked me what was wrong. I tried to put it off, until I couldn't. It came out slowly, but it seemed so fast. And I couldn't stop worrying. I couldn't stop worrying that I was just a freak. I couldn't stop worrying because I didn't know anyone who was like me. I couldn't stop worrying that nobody would like me after I told the truth. But when I finished, she gave me a long and sweet hug. It felt too short, and happy tears slowly rolled down. That tiny little moment made my life feel a little bit lighter. Now a few people use the pronouns they/them, and it makes me feel better about myself.

It still feels horrible when the teacher is splitting the middle school class between girls and boys. I just stand there, feeling stuck and panicky, until I decide out of fear to go with the girl's group. Only my three close friends know; everyone else thinks I'm a girl, and I'm silently struggling to correct them. And today, I blurted it out to my mom. She doesn't know that there can be more than just girls or boys/women or men. She asked me what was so wrong about being a girl. She said that I was born a girl so that means I have to be a girl. It was like someone shot a bullet right into my heart. I did not expect her to say that, but then again, I kind of knew all along. 

Sorry Mom. Sorry to everyone who doesn't believe me. Sorry to the people that do or do not know. I am not the most confident person nor the most outspoken, but I can confidently shout out...

I AM NOT A GIRL!!!!!!

Love,

your non-binary friend

@nwang99