for forever ; tuck everlasting

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September 23, 1899

I'm nearly seventeen. It's time to really start thinking about the you-know-what hidden in my dresser. The you-know-what that could change my life and make it everlasting.

I have been putting off making a decision about it since the you-know-whos left and my first (and only) friend asked me to wait for him in Treegap until I was seventeen.

I've seen them two times since then. Once in 1895 and once in 1898. They looked the same as ever, even though they had to come at night in the woods for fear that Constable Joe might recognize them. And by 'them' I mean you-know-who.

Last year was when you-know-who left me directions back to the spring and told me to go there on my birthday, which is coming up on October 2nd.

When I was eleven and met you-know-who before, he had told me we were going to travel the world together once I drank the water.

He also told me we were going to get married, but that was probably so we wouldn't be questioned. I don't think he could possibly have been in love with younger me.

I still don't have any friends, especially after Nana died three years ago. I couldn't leave Mother alone, could I?

Maybe we could stay with Mother until she died, but I couldn't deal with having to put her through never see me grow up.

I don't know what to do. I want to have both. But I can't. And that's the worst part.

September 27, 1899

I went back to you-know-who's ash tree and climbed it again, staring out at the top of the world he showed me all those years ago.

I still haven't chosen what I want to do about the you-know-what in my dresser. I poured the last vial on a toad, my toad in fact. He still shows up in my garden sometimes, and we'll have chats about the finer things in life, like the weather and the best climbing trees. As for the vial I have now, I got it in 1895, the first time the Tucks came back to visit me. I thought I got over the itch to drink the water, but as soon as I saw their faces I remembered why I wanted to drink. For them, for him.

Am I crazy? I could never leave Mother all alone. If Nana were still alive my choice would be easier, but I'm all Mother has left. And no, she would never drink the water. Betsy Foster is the most stubborn person I know. And I love her.

I could talk to Hugo about it. We've been friends ever since that August, and on more than one occasion I've almost slipped up to him about the reality of the Tucks. But no, I couldn't do that. I couldn't break a promise I've been keeping for six years.

My birthday is in five days. I need to decide.

September 30, 1899

Mother is sick. And not a fever sick. Real, honest to God sick. The doctor is trying everything he can but he says there's a possibility she won't make it.

Then I'd be an orphan.

She can't die.

October 1, 1899

One more day to decide. Mother could be gone by midnight tonight. I just want Jesse to come back. A need a friend right now. I'm currently in his tree, and I'm crying. Honest to God crying. I haven't cried since Father died.

Mother could drink the water.

She wouldn't die, and I could drink it too so we could be together. She'd have a friend in Mae.

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