Tragic Love Affair

1

I've never been good with trust. I guess it doesn't come naturally. So liking someone, actually having something with someone, is also a challenge.

The longest relationship I've ever had was two weeks. And one of those weeks I spent trying to figure out how I was going to brake it to the guy that I wasn't interested. Almost all of the relationships, or possible relationships, I've ever had, I've ended. So I can't blame my trust issues on people braking my heart. I do that just fine on my own.

I'm a reader, sailing the sea of words to concur wolds that don't exist. It's a wonderful life. Except when you realize that the only people you actually care about, are fictional. The ones that you have the most in common with are not real. And the relationships you dream about, the boys you dream about being with, are just dried ink, connected by sown pages. It makes it hard for every real person that actually wants to be there for me, because real life has thought me to only expect happiness from the corners of my bookshelf.

That doesn't stop people from trying. Which in turn, doesn't stop me from hurting them. I guess I look out for one person. Myself. I guess that makes me selfish. I guess I'm a lot of things.

Maybe I'll try I to figure out who I am. It's a new year after all. I can't help but smile at the memory of the New Years party I when to just two weeks ago. There was a boy there too. Someone who spent the night watching me on the dance floor, and who took the whole night to ask me to walk along the beach with him. He flew back to Michigan shortly after, and while we exchanged numbers, I haven't talked to him sense.

As lonely as I make myself out to be, I do have friends that I actually trust. A tiny handful, but oh so important. I'd do anything for any of them. And tonight that thing will be going to the movies, regardless of my want to save money. Without a job there is no steady flow of cash and until I can apply to the only place I want to work, I'm desperate not to spend a penny of my savings. Except for the occasional, special occasion.

Seeing my friends tonight will be a relief. An excuse to get out of my home and an excuse to push off my over powering homework. A chance to see the two friends that don't go to my school. They pick me up, we watch the movie, they take me home. Like walking through memory lane, when I'm with them, I visualize our shared middle school lives. Lives  that are no longer ours, but still blissful to look back upon and see how uncomplicated everything was. Being with them, reminds me of the names I once knew and faces I still remember. Although their faces have probably changed now. Funny how much time can pass in two years.

Funny how a single night can make you think about someone you haven't thought of in two years.