I Can't Breath

Ethan's Pov/

It was 3am, again. And, again, I couldn't sleep. I was so physically tired, my body felt so heavy. But, mentally, I was so awake.

"This is so stupid." I said to no one in particular. Hell, I was alone in my room, all my other housemates were deeply sleeping.

Tyler...Tyler might be up editing a video of his..or he's a normal person whose asleep by now.

Mark is dead asleep as he always is.

I spent the rest of my night tossing and turning in my bed. Sitting up, turning the light on and off.

"I can't do this anymore." I don't want to spend the rest of my life up all night. I don't want to spend the rest of my life wishing I was dead.

I got out of bed, by this time it was 5 in the morning. I walked on my toes to keep the floor from making noise. I had the idea to walk to the bathroom down the hall. There were pictures of the three of us, we were all smiling. Even me..when did things change.

"Ethan?"

Tyler. Shit.

"Hey. Sorry, did I wake you up?" I asked wiping the forming tears in my eyes.

"No, I was just heading to the bathroom. Everything good?" Tyler asked walking closer to me.

"Yeah," I said turning to look at the pictures. "I was just going downstairs..to ahh, to get coffee. Want some?" I asked turning back to him.

He paused.

I hate the silence.

Say something! Answer.

Fucking answer!

"Sure. I'll be down in a minute." Tyler finally said. He smiled, his tired eyes even joined in.

"Great." I said so only I could hear. I carefully walked past Marks room to not wake him.

I quickly made two cups of coffee, I didn't measure anything. I didn't care how much sugar or how much cream/milk went in. I don't care.

"Sorry. They're made half assed." I said handing Tyler a mug.

"Thanks. I'm sure it's fine."

It was still really early in the morning, the kitchen was naturally lit. Tyler looked over at me.

"Are you sure you're okay? You seem blue...no pun intended." Tyler said chuckling at the end of the sentence.

I smiled.

It quickly went away.

"I'm fine, really." I wish he would stop asking. Stop asking!

"Ethan," Tyler said putting his mug down on the countertop. He turned towards me. "You can tell my anything."

I didn't answer. I just looked away. I should tell him.

I should tell him.

No.

Don't.

"Just talk to me...please." Tyler said. It wasn't a question. It was a hard statement. A command.

"I..I can't breath sometimes." I said looking at him.

"Like everything in the world is sitting on my chest. Like something is forcing my head under water. And..and no one is there to help me."

"Ethan, I'm here to help you." Tyler said putting his hand on my shoulder.

I flinched and quickly turned away. I could tell Tyler was upset by this.

With my mug in hand, I walked to the other side of the kitchen to look out the windows.

"Ethan, if you tell me what's wrong, I might be able to help you. Mark and I will be here to help you." Tyler said following me.

I dropped my mug.

The hot coffee burned my feet.

The glass cut my ankle.

Tyler quickly ran over to me.

But I just stood there. I didn't care. My knees went weak, I fell to the ground.

Tyler was calling my name. He was careful not to step on any of the glass. But I didn't care. Chunks of glass went into my legs. I felt relief by the feeling of the warm blood coming out of my legs.

"Ethan. I'll be back."

He was probably going to wake Mark.

"Shut up! Just shut up!"

"Ethan, no one said anything." It was Mark.

They were both at my side. Tears coming down my face onto my shirt.

"Ethan?"

I could hear them, I just didn't want to answer.

I just wanted to be gone.

The guys spent the rest of the day watching me like a hawk. They knew what was up. And they weren't going to leave me alone.

The clocks seemed to move slower today. Like something was forcing them to stay put.

"Tyler..?"

"Ethan."

"Have you ever wanted to tell someone something, up you knew you couldn't?" I asked.

"Of course."

"I uhh.." I think I love you. Say it.

"I uhh I think..I.." I love you. Say it.

"I uhh I think I want to go to bed. Or at least lay down in my bed."

Fucker. Why didn't you say it?

I laid in bed. The tv off. My phone off. The lights off.

I just looked up at the ceiling. Thinking about how I could have said it then and there.

Tyler, I love you.

That's all I had to do.

Ethan, I hate you. You are a worthless person, who can't even tell someone they love them.

Worthless.

Disgusting.

Lier.

Pig.

Fine. I'll just go. Go where no one can find me.

"I love you Tyler, I'm sorry I couldn't love you out loud."