10:53

Chapter 1

"Its not like it would hurt him, right?" ,I thought back to what I said to myself. How foolish it was to believe in such a childish thought. It was selfish of me to assume my best friend's feelings. I really should't have - so why did I? How was it so difficult to consider his feelings ahead of mine? This will weigh me down for as long as I live. I never should've done what I did. It's all my fault. And now here I stand, tears streaking down my face, my hair unkempt, my eyes red, my mind clouded with sorrow, shame, guilt, and any words you can use to describe it. It's been a month since what happened, but I still have yet to recover by the slightest. i knew he was going through shit. I knew his mind was in a bad place - so why? How could I be so blinded? How could I not see what was right in front of me? Why didn't I try to think about my actions and how bad their effect would be? There are so many questions, but only one answer. If only life were really that simple - having so many probles that you can't tell if you're sane or not anymore, so many questions that make you want to list all of them down using all the paper the world could offer- but only one answer for all of it. You wouldnt be so stressed if every problem or anythig had only one closing answer, but then what would be the point of life? Life is learning to shape yourself itno an individual following what you believe is right. Life is concurring the highest of peaks. It's about slaying the what wants to slay you back. It's about standing up to those who condemn you. What would be the meaning of life without something to occupy you that can be even just the slightest bit productive every now and then? What would be the purpose of problems if they can't even shape you? Why isn't it any easier now that I have an answer to all of these questions brimming my thoughts and plague me? Why can't I just walk out thinking 'That's done with'? Why can't I just throw it out and wait for another thing to come flying in and smack me in the face? Why are things with only one, simple solution destroying me more and more every second like virus? Why am I letting this mutate one by one and sprout new things? Why is life so painful?! It truly is amazing how I managed to walk through this far, but now there's only one road. Should I continue walking? Should I just wait in my spot, slowly rotting from my own idiocy and stare at that one path? I don't know... I don't know... I don't! I don't know anything! Why can't I find answers to already solved problems? It feels like walls are slowly caving in on me as I think. It feels like waves are crushing me. It feels like everything is falling apart... or maybe, it already has? I hate it when people say bull shit like 'Stars can't shine without darkness' or ' there's always light at the end of the tunnel', but why don't I see anything shining? Why does it feel like I'm just running around in circles? Why won't you people stop saying shit like that?! I hear the same things every time...maybe all I'm hearing is on loop to torture me. Maybe everyone around me is just here to torture me. Maybe it's time I- *beep beep* "What the fuck," I mumble. *beep beep* "...What time is it?" I check the alarm clock o my bedside table. '10:54 a.m.', it read. My throat tightened as i read the clock. This is the exact time it all happened; the exact time I got the news on him. He ended his own life, and now I plan to end my own.