Fall for you

Pain isn't fun. No one likes it. It's unpleasant and it's a burden and it shouldn't need to exist. Mental or physical, it sucks just as much either way.

Yet he just thinks he needs to cause it. It's like he can't breathe without hurting someone close to him. Usually it's me. Two years ago I met a boy, he was perfect. He was the kind of person you expect to see in a movie or something an artist had photoshopped. Not this shy, yet cheeky boy standing right in front of me, singlet blowing in the slight breeze and the sun bouncing off his ridiculously tanned skin. "Who are you waiting for". The first thing he ever said to me plays over in my mind so many times. His voice sending shudders down my spine. I was in a trance, I remember everything so clearly as if it had been videoed and burnt into my head. I think it has. Such a simple sentence changed everything. I kick some stones and I dawdle down the path, mentally preparing myself to face another day in hell. I mean school. If you like schools that's sweet as I mean we are all different right? Maybe you're one of the lucky ones, those happy people I see that laugh at everything. I call them stupid whereas the truth is I desperately wanna change places, I just want to know what pure happiness feels like: without the fear of pain coming over and ruining everything again.

My hair blows around in the wind, not even a ponytail rammed messily into my hair as I rushed around tamed it at all. My thoughts are clouded and being intertwined with his face, every one of his possible reactions to my confrontations dance around. I feel like a spy, or a devil. Which one I'm not really sure. I aimlessly wander through the corridor trying to find someone that won't be nasty, these kind of people are becoming rarer. A few girls glare at me, boys just stare and I can't really decipher what they're thinking. Tears are taunting me, they fill my eyes and all it'll take is a blink for them to released. So I blink quickly, I'll blame the tears on my contacts. It's believed a million times. A random guy stops and looks at me for a second, I almost convince myself he might care, as I hastily try wipe the tears with my sleeve, and all I'm rewarded with is a wet sleeve and streaky mascara lines, and a snicker from him as he walks off leaving me alone again. By the time I'm in the bathroom I've gotten myself sorted, the stupid tears have buggered off and I try my best to look like I'm fine. I sit in the cubicle a bit longer than needed trying to distract myself from that stupid boy that's ruining my life. But I just can't. A ghost chanting his name follows me around like a bad smell, and no matter how much I cry, scream and swear it doesn't leave me alone. It never has and I don't think it ever will. But right now I just want to be alone. Obviously that's way too much to ask for as the bell rings and I'm shoved into swarms of people and eventually make it to my first class. I see the same people in here every day for me entire school life, and I hate it. I try to be first so I can sit down and sort myself before socialising, before I have to put up with the immature remarks from the two guys behind me, and sometimes the three in front. I pray to myself that maybe today they'll realise something is wrong and they'll leave me alone but they don't. Of course they don't. Why would they? I kick the toe of my shoe against the desk leg, scuffing the black leather even more. The boys walk in and I hold my breath waiting for the first comment. Right on cue it comes and my breath releases as my brain whirrs quick enough for me to have a smart ass remark returned. It was a lame one I have to admit but under the circumstances it's the best I can do.

The girls arrive and I awkwardly try to talk about what has happened but the truth is they really don't care. They've heard this story before and they have the same, monotone advice "break up".

If it was that easy I would've done it months ago. The first time he decided to ruin me. Typically nothing in my life can be easy, something really is out to make me miserable and this time it's him again. The day drags on painfully slow, I write too much in one class and not enough in the rest. Everything seems to relate to my problem and it takes all my energy to make it through the day pretending I'm happy. I must be damn good at pretending because even mum doesn't notice.

She thinks I'm just being a moody teenage girl as per usual. If only I could tell her. I trip over the mat as I walk through the house and biff my bag a little too hard against the wall, and it seems to shudder along with me. I stare in the mirror as I take off the ugly uniform, school thinks is a great idea to have and watch as my tummy jiggles a little bit and the way my thighs struggle to touch, making the most ghastly thing staring back at me. My makeup is screwed and I lazily wipe around my eyes trying to pretend I haven't had the worst day.

Barking echoes around the house and that's my signal. He's here.